The Preacher's Wife

au revoir!

2009-12-31T14:22:00.007+08:00

as mentioned not too long ago, TPW was packing up her wagon and whatsnot and having given her cyber-horsey a free rein to take her where its heart desires, she has ended up here:

http://somewhatsille.blogspot.com/

the move might have been a bit hasty, but i thought that year end makes for a nice and clean cutoff. :)
anyways, see ya there!

nicked from another blog i stalk. haha..
(bombom, i will pengsan if you correctly guessed who.. which would make you like, my stalker! :P)

2009-12-27T01:31:00.011+08:00

was browsing in borders last evening, and came across a quote from a book that listed about 500 annoying things. haha.. i should so co-author that book - me and my list of pet peeves :P

can't remember the exact words, so i'm paraphrasing here: it was about losing someone/ something.. and how even after completely letting go and forgetting is over and done with, nothing prepares one for the incisive pain when confronted by a random reminder of that loss.

sometimes, we can easily shrug it off and just continue with things that now occupy our time and life, but sometimes, the reminder/what was reminded would persist longer than it should, leaving us annoyed and saddened at the same time. there isn't really much you can do, 'cept for wait and not give into the temptation of a full blown revisit to the past.

the past couple of days, i was contemplating sending an innocuous festive text to someone, but i didn't (haven't?). i'm trying to come to term perceiving my actions as being irksome, and an unwelcome reminder..

i don't know if we could completely write someone/something off our memory. i reckon it's not possible, but maybe that's just me. times like this, i wish my poor memory would work in my favor, but it doesn't. cis. the next best thing is to hope for minimal pain when reminders assault. that would do.

saw this on someone's tumblr site. =)
dunno if it's real or photoshopped, but it is beautiful, no?

mother goose

2009-12-26T23:31:00.003+08:00

i. am. so. stuffed.

lunch @chongy's - leftover turkey + stuffing cooked with asam laksa maggi mee downed with cold glass of pineapple juice. sounds simple, but it was really, really delicious [i can't seem to pronounce this word =(]

tea @the changs' - an aromatic english tea went perfectly with the most scrumptious cheesecake eva. like, wow. jostling for my tummy space were nothing less than amazing sherperd's pie, apple crumble pie, choc banana cake. oh, the bruschetta dip is worth mentioning too -- so simple yet so good! i was deaf to the cries of my expanding waitline - everything was just yumms. *still drooling*

dinner @the matthews' - mutton curry that was so good i went back three rounds! briyani rice. spicy chicken varuval. puttu mayam with piping hot dhal (i don't know how to eat it with sugar & coconut shavings).

supper @uncle albert & auntie hazel's - homemade roasted lamb & turkey that are so juicy and tender downed with a glass of red wine. moist fruitcake & pudding. baked bacon & cheese. popcorn.

i am filled with amazement as i list the stuff i've consumed in the past 10 hours. w-h-o-a.

did you know that santa claus fashioned his toy-carrying bag after my tummy?
now you do.

i love christmas. muahahahahaha!
ww likened me to a goose, or rather my liver to foie gras. hahaha.. touche!

******

leaving for a short vacay tomorrow! can't wait.. it's my 1st holiday abroad this year. will be driving instead of flying/bus-sing.. up north! hehe.. ^__^

christmas crumbs

2009-12-26T00:06:00.002+08:00

just a few things from yesterday and today, chronicled for posterity:

christmas eve service @church - left work promptly at 3pm (company declared half day! =) to find my stuck in a KL jam. on christmas eve. whaaat? sigh. rushed home and spreaded the egg sandwich filling i made the night before onto 2 huge loaves of bread. thought to myself: i make awesome egg sandwich. =) hahaha.. well, i do! once done, rushed to bathe and rushed to church for practice and sound check. busy busy. enjoyed myself very much. maybe it's seeing everyone laughing and eating. performed downhere's how many kings with the team. i sounded horrible but pulled thru somehow. argh. but enjoyed the experience very much! hehehe.. kinda pooped by the end of the night.

christmas morn service @blc - attended bangsar lutheran centre (temporarily meeting in PJ. hehe..) bumped into some old faces - keatlim & wanching, and alvin & his wife (i forgot her name =( tried so hard to jog my memory while i chatted with her but kept drawing blank. FAIL. shame on me! [julie, what was the name of our HS leader, other than pauline? so paiseh man.. i hope she doesn't read this. can die. haha..] also met some ppl i regularly blog/twitter-stalk (hahahaha) and feeling the urge to go up to them and say Hi. thank God i refrained. service was good but i was really sleepy. there were a presentation by the kids, and another by the carolers. very nice :) [chongy, i really do love your voice =)] oh, they did how many kings for worship! *heart* loved how they made the chorus for what child is this as the bridge. very nice!

christmas "tea party" @ps p's home - got home after svc, took a quick nap and headed over to my senior pastor's home for cake and tea. as usual, there were throngs of people lah, but everyone managed ok. hehe.. there was a cell group who went ministering at the malaysian association for the blind earlier in the morn, all garbed in red, so there were a sea of red at the corner where i was.. in grey. hehe.. i rber opening my hse last year, which was really tiring, but as i sat there chatting with those around, i saw how important it was an avenue as such in getting people together. i thought what the cell group did was an excellent exercise in giving, and i particularly liked when jean commented about the youths of another church that was there, how helpful & cooperative they were. excellent! :)

movie "sherlock holmes" @tropicana mall - oh i loved it!!! hahaha.. i've always loved whodunits and although i dun think i've read SH before (but i do read a manga called Conan, which was inspired by SH's author.. does that count? hehehe..), i truly enjoyed the show. i really liked the bromance reeking from both robert downey jr & jude law (who, when i first saw the promo poster, i thought was a girl impersonating watson -__-").. also the quick and witty lines.. and the director's interpretation of the main characs (stuffy tweed-wearing middle-aged dudes would have so killed it for me.)

movie "stranger than fiction" at home - haha.. just wrote a piece with that title yesterday. finally got to watch it. it was ok only la. never a big fan of will ferrell aka harold frick, the OCD IRS agent in the movie). emma thompson was excellent as the dotty (crazy?) author karen eiffel, who was typing. queen latifah was like all her characs in all her movies: assured, in control = boring. hehe.

got an SMS from my mom some time in the afternoon: merry christmas! i'm off today.
hahaha.. err ok? so i replied: thanks. i'm off too!

ok, gtg now. head is splitting into two.happy boxing day!

stranger than fiction

2009-12-25T01:11:00.009+08:00

when i was younger, bible stories made for a fascinating read. i wasn't a christian for a good few years after my initial exposure, but i had a bible with pictures here and there (the Good News bible). i used to flip thru it to read whatever that catches my fancy. many of these stories were unbelievable then, and i still can't make sense of many today.

some very common examples from the old testament would be the great flood & noah's ark, jonah's adventure in the belly of the big fish, daniel's three friends' near-BBQ incident.. and in the new testament are mainly stories surrounding jesus's birth, death and resurrection, and of course the one book to confound us all: revelation.

so yeah. archangels? a few bored shepherds? a jealous king? an extra-terrestrial sign? a few rich/smart dudes from a foreign land? first-time parents? some cows and sheep and a chicken or two. what mind-blowing tales would you have woven had i given you such cast & props? :)

blessed christmas, everyone.

=)

2009-12-24T10:01:00.005+08:00

thanks for being that friend.
happy 25th, chongy! ^__^

passport renewal

2009-12-22T10:12:00.003+08:00

went to the immigration to renew my passport yesterday morn. it was such a breeze, using KIPPAS (kiosk pembaharuan pasport). was there at 7.30am, and i got my spanking new book by 10.15am. kudos, immigration dept! ^__^

i found this really, really useful guide on using KIPPAS (kiosk pembaharuan pasport) and followed it almost to the T. was thankful that my IC & passport were in good condition, and that my thumbprint were verifiable. the gal before me had problem with her thumbprint and she had to go wait in line. that really sucked cos if you've been to the imm dept, you wld know how long the lines snake and how stuffy the air is inside the waiting hall from lack of oxygen. can die wan.

however, as i was waiting in line at the kiosk, i almost had a heart attack when i realised that in my pic i was smiling widely, had no collared blouse on, and my ears were partially hidden (i thought all these were booboos - maybe they are requirements for IC), but the imm officer said that as long as i look like my prev pic, it shd be ok. i was so relieved!! and i'm glad i have a smiling pic lol ^__^ no more sour/mourning/shocked/pale face staring back, at least for the next 5 years. la la la..

caroling cheers

2009-12-22T09:34:00.010+08:00

went caroling with my worship team last saturday. it was the first time we did this as a team, as what we usually do is just performing on the xmas eve service (which we are still doing. methinks my pastor is overestimating what we can do - hehe - but we will pull it off! and have fun doing so! =)

the 16 of us managed to visit five homes, mostly within sri petaling, although our first stop was in cheras. our last stop was at a cell group xmas party organised by another church. (we were expecting a small cosy group, but it was a h-u-g-e partay - we even had to use the mic! haha..)

initial fears of hunger (my bad really. to keep to schedule, i made everyone go on an empty stomach. well... we were supposed to have a quick bite but there was a change in schedule and we had to leave early.. so yeah.. mm, i can be quite the dictator sometimes. thank God for more caring souls within the team.) were unfounded as we were very well fed. a bite here and a chomp there at 5 places really added up to a very full stomach.

we sang some familiar carols - o come all ye faithful, hark! the herald angels sing, the first noel, silver bell; and some contemporary tunes - christmas isn't christmas, we are the reason.. [i know i'm tooting my own horn but i liked the arrangement of the songs we did. =)] we prayed for each household/host and presented to them a simple token of thanks for having us. i really liked that too.

[oh i also really like the song that we will be performing (re below). it's so much easier to find a song for easter, but christmas.. we have been singing the same songs over and over again i think that they have lost the meaning that i prefer to hear them as instrumental pieces. so yeah, if you know of any meaningful tunes that we could do, please let me know. i don't listen to much new music, hehe, so my exposure quite the limited.]

we also learnt that the acoustics at which places were awesome (condos, homes), and which sucked (pool, open space - we couldn't hear the guitar & each other - it was just awful, and to add salt to the wound, one uncle said that we sounded like kindergarten kids. oh the gall! you try it uncle!)

we were done by 10. tired to the bones (i'm still feelin' it hehe), but whee!

[this was taken at jenny's place. after that, we moved on to alan's > adrian's > cha's > cell party]

follow the star to a place unexpected
would you believe, after all we've projected
a child in a manger?
lowly and small, the weakest of all
unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mother's shawl
just a child - is this who we've waited for?

'cause
how many kings step down from their thrones?
how many lords have abandoned their homes?
how many greats have become the least for me?
and how many gods have poured out their hearts
to romance a world that is torn all apart
how many fathers gave up their sons for me?
only one did that for me

bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior
all that we have, whether costly or meek
because we believe.
gold for his honor, and frankincense for his pleasure
and myrrh for the cross he will suffer
do you believe? is this who we've waited for?

all for me
all for you

downhere :: how many kings

cul-de-sac

2009-12-18T23:58:00.005+08:00

a few days back, i was having my hands full and eyes occupied optimizing broadband usage at work (*innocent look*) while thinking about something and nothing at all, and i just decided that i would close this blog.

*cue audible gasp

lol!

it's about time anyway -- it's been 5 years and 680+ posts! i'm quite amazing *cough =)* but continuing will risk this being an Atlas Shrugged of a blog (length wise, not depth of content, obviously) and i don't really want that.

so many memories are linked to this blog -- my 1st! i still rber being unwilling to start one way back then - so scared of intrusion of privacy whatnot, and when i did, i was so guarded with the URL, so scared that someone i know would read it (haha duhh i know). i rber choosing the title for this blog - and how ironic it was to end up with this one when i wanted to remain anonymous and not wanting to be known as a PW (i was young then). i rber the millions of times i click on the Edit button - even when no one was reading - and i still do it periodically to older entries. i rber "going public" with my blog via FB and not minding ppl reading it - major step! i rber the person who "inspired" me to start one - he's stopped writing for a while now - too busy i guess. i rber changing the font size to small. fixing the alignment for lyrics (to the right), scripture (centralise), youtube vids (width=200 height=150), etc. i rber the process of writing some pieces and the heady rush i got from it. i rber the little things and the big things and many of the unnecessary things. hehe..

like all bloggers, this is but a public face, a small but very significant part of me. i'd say that this is the more exciting/interesting/accessible part of me (i'm quite a dull person in real life. i mean, i dunno abt you but i find me boring! haha bleh). i realise this is a text-heavy blog and that is a major turn-off esp for ppl who dunno me. haha.. i do try to put in pics once in a while to break the monotony ok! (note to self: i reeeally should get a new phone). after all these times, i still find it unnerving exposing these thoughts, general as they may be. worried about judgmental anonymous stalkers > that's me!

i wrote chiefly for myself (i'm sure you notice how rarely i engage you -- sorry! part of me would love more reader activities but part of me apreaciates the "peace" =) and i still get knots in my tummy from reading past entries or giddy with joy from the songs i've posted -- i loved each of them. i wish i'd been more opinionated though. never really saw the need to be, til recently. we'll see.

so yeah. i've been checking this site out, as i would love to convert TPW into a book. i'm hoping it won't be too expensive. erm, i'm well aware that my name is not anne frank but you're welcome to make orders when i do (there's discount for bulk order =). hahaha..

moving on.

i dunno what i'm gonna do there at the new place. my style of writing would not likely change so probably everything would be similar to what is now. if anything, i'd be something i'm comfortable with. i'll probably use a similar design scheme too. haha.. i think all that's gonna change is just the blog addie.

speaking of which -- i am a hard time thinking of a name for the new blog. chongy suggested that i get inspiration for jon foreman's lyrics, which was a great idea :) i'd really liked the idea of a mirror is hard to hold (it's here).. cos i realise that i hardly know myself (i honestly thought i did). and from my current reading (the quirky Quirkology >> see side bar), you grapple with the same issue too. haha.. i can't pretend to be ignorant when the person i blab to the most is a born psycho. analyzer. logist.

yeah, i'm passive-aggressive lidat. :P

anyways, i've got another prob: getting a unique ID for the URL. you wouldn't believe how so many of the ones that i wanted have been taken up - by people who don't blog! grr.. i mean, they just take the URL, but post like once or twice only. yier! don't worry - i'll give u the blog addie soon as i have it. i know what it's like being a blog stalker. haha.. wouldn't wanna leave you hanging ;)

tty soon.

2009-12-15T16:20:00.001+08:00

The best career advice I could possibly dispense: just DO things. Chase after the things that interest you and make you happy. Stop acting like you have a set path, because you don’t. No one does. You shouldn’t be trying to check off the boxes of life; they aren’t real and they were created by other people, not you.
— Charlie Hoehn

nicked from a blog i stalk ;) shhh..

2009-12-11T17:16:00.004+08:00

as a conversation on a lazy Friday afternoon trailed off, this verse came to mind..

I could try and point the finger
but the glass points in my direction
sure you've got your sharp edges
but my wounds are for my own reflection
you've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I've got fatal flaws to call my own
please don't go
please don't leave me alone
a mirror is so much harder to hold

jon foreman :: a mirror is harder to hold

2009-12-10T12:04:00.003+08:00

"I do not have clear answers to current questions. I have questions, and, as a matter of fact, I think a man is better known by his questions than his answers. To make known one's questions is, no doubt, to come out in the open oneself. I am not in the market for the ready-made and wholesale answers so easily volunteered by the public and I question nothing so much as the viability of public and popular answers, including some of those which claim to be most progressive."

Thomas Merton, Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander

via patrolmag

i've got so many questions but admittedly, many are blunt and uninspiring, and i lack the courage and discipline to ask pertinent ones. so how do i sharpen 'em thoughts?

2009-12-08T21:08:00.004+08:00

[gtalk stat]
geekgoat: thinks Andrew Bird is a smart man

/start conversation

i don't think i can take anyone named Bird seriously
why do u say he's smart

hmmm
i interviewed him
had a lot of smart things to say

ooh you did? when?
what did he say that u rber/like most?

recently lah
email interview
hmmm

Is this abstractness in your lyrics a purported need to make your listeners run circles in dictionaries or is it an actual extension of how you are? Either way, why this is so?

AB: I appreciate that a listener would want to decipher what I'm talking about, but the pursuit of definition misses the point. When I listen to songs it could all be Portuguese as far as I'm concerned. Besides vagaries lead to the listener using their own imagination. When a song is fully comprehended it is more likely to be discarded - or at least that’s how I listen.

haha.. i disagree with him
read this
C.S. Lewis on Why to Seek an Author's Intention

In answering the question why we should care about an author’s intention, C. S. Lewis gives two answers in his book An Experiment in Criticism.

"Why," they ask, "should I turn from a real present experience—what the poem means to me, what happens to me when I read it—to inquire about the poet’s intentions or reconstructions, always uncertain of what it may have meant to his contemporaries?"

There seem to be two answers. One, is that the poem in my head which I make from my mistranslations of Chaucer or misunderstandings of Donne, may not be so good as the work Chaucer or Donne actually made.

Secondly, why not have both? After enjoying what I made of it, why not go back to the text this time looking up the hard words, puzzling out the allusions and discovering that some metrical delights in my first experience where due to my fortunate mispronunciations, and see whether I can enjoy the poet’s poem, not necessarily instead of, but in addition to my own

i would apply the same when listening to a song
unless it's an instrumental haha..
if meaning isn't important, he shd've gone without words, don't u think

no mah
even words can be interpreted differently
depending on context

it can be, but if i was reading/listening to your work, i want to know wad u were thinking, but at the same time enjoy what i make of it.. so to know that you are js messing with my head with some random stuff, a bit demeaning lor.
-___- at myself: it's js a song
LOL

wah you darn complicated

im not. but i like to make ppl think that i am. haha..

nah

Here’s something that fascinates me - do you in actual fact speak the way you write? Do you use all those huge words in daily conversation? Is it normal for Andrew Bird to use the word ‘radiolarian’ in everyday conversation for example?

AB: No, of course not. Songwriting and the language I'm drawn to is maybe an escape from the everyday vernacular. Expressing yourself in a matter of fact way helps get you through the day but it’s rarely lyrical. I look for beautiful sounding words yes, but they are far from random. Radiolarians are these undersea slimy creatures that apparently communicate in an electrical sort of telekinesis. I could have used a flock of birds or school of fish to make my point but that would seem cliche or new-agey.

haha i like this thought. i like songs with inordinary words. which is why "some" "worship" songs make me go -___-

ahahaha

/end

NB. "inordinary" is not a word. but it should be, cos "un-" is such a boring pre-fix. :P

[ok ok. i'll admit it. i really did think that it was a word. >_<]

2009-12-05T21:03:00.004+08:00

i really really like this song. there's something about the tune and the piano and matty's voice that really get to me. so yeah, i heart this song. i heart the entire album (relient k's forget and not slow down). *gush* ^___^

relient k :: (if you want it)

i've been convincing myself that i'm worthwhile
‘cause I’m worth what I’ll convince myself to be

..and a side of salad, please.

2009-12-01T01:33:00.005+08:00

Mustafa: [taking Ego's order] Do you know what you'd like this evening, sir?

Anton Ego: Yes, I think I do. After reading a lot of overheated puffery about your new cook, you know what I'm craving? A little perspective. That's it. I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective. Can you suggest a good wine to go with that?

Mustafa: With what, sir?

Anton Ego: Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?

Mustafa: I am, uh...

Anton Ego: Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have it in this BLOODY TOWN, I'll make you a deal. You provide the food, I'll provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.

Mustafa: I'm afraid... your dinner selection?

Anton Ego: [stands up angrily] Tell your chef Linguini that I want whatever he dares to serve me. Tell him to hit me with his best SHOT.

the big bad wolf is the BOOMZ!

2009-11-27T23:08:00.012+08:00

just a quickie post here.

i gelabah-ed the entire day for my Genesis test yesterday, cos i've been working on my assignment the entire week (even on the flights to/from miri where i was for 2 days). was so stressed out - prayed real hard & earnest in the car as i did my uber last min revision (8 chapters in one hour - am i awesome or what).

and thankfully, the test was simple - hahaha - it lasted me a whole 15mins (10 for working on the questions, 5 for flipping back and forth, waiting for someone to turn in their papers cos i was too shy to be first.. or second.. cos some of my answers were quite the wrong :P)

anyways, with that out of the way (erm actually i still got another assignment pending. lecturer asked, how much time do you need? i asked him how far his grace stretch. he replied, i can give you up to next week lah, but please try not to procrastinate lah. HAHAHAHAHAHA.. [in my 1st request for extension, i decided to be forthcoming in my reason - told him that i was a chronic procrastinator - instead of using the busy excuse, cos i wasn't]) i was all psyched up for.......

i'm baaaccckkkkkkk, says the big bad wolf.
w00t! came my delightful reply.

i super *heart* the BBW Books Sale!! been eyeing this event for, like, ever. :P i went late to the last one they had, and was rather dissatisfied with my loot then. explains the semangat this time. haha..

i can't wait for tmr morn
:)
book sale
i wld've taken leave today if i cld
^__^

even if i am free, wouldn't go
lots of books i haven't read at home
no point
buying new ones

hahahaha..
i had that thought
but.. but...
it's cheap books
:P
but hor
ive nothing i want rite now.. and even if i have.. the chances of it being there and me finding it.. very low..

so you will be buying things you don't need or want
hehehehe

hahahaha
touche!

[[ but.. but.. it's books! :P ]]

i made myself get up at 9 today. sometimes i amaze myself with my determination. just that it's nowhere to be found when i need it some other times (tackling my assignments, for example). hubby was supposed to go with me, but he was still sleeping, and remembering jazz's words that the place is so packed that she "can't even scratch her armpits" (and that's verbatim), i asked him to sleep in. don't want him grumbling about leaving when i wasn't done. hehe.. got to amcorp mall at 9.55am, and there were like 500 people lining up already. bah! and i thought i was early! but being the first batch, we (Fel & i) managed to get in in abt 10mins (bumped into 2 friends who came in abt noon - they waited 50mins in line!)

some things i've learned from today's episode:

come early (unless you love queues. early bookworms get the best buys.)
bring your own grocery bag to carry selected books (lugging a box is a baddd idea - my arms were all sore!)
wear comfortable shoes (if you're gonna walk around in a crowded space lugging a box of hardcovers for 3 hours, stilettos do make a fine torture.)
take everything you see and think want, sort out what you really can afford later, else you might not find the books again cos we Msians chuck everything everywhere.
if you're not fainting from hunger like i was, wade through the shelves again so you won't go "why didn't i see that?!" when peeking at other people's stash at the checkout line.

i'm so proud of myself! i only spent RM75 (i really hate to be on a shoestring budget, but i've really gotta watch it, and settle my accummulated debts from the past three months) and i got like 8 books!! definitely a measely sum, compared to the hundreds the rest were racking up on their cards, but i'm happy.. for now. (am contemplating a revisit, but i should be kind to my own pockets)

anyway, here's my stash: *heart*

Effective Writing Skills for Public Relations (yaawwwn i know, but it'll help me in my job, i hope!)
More Senior Moments (planning to give it as a gag gift, but i think this book speaks to me more than any.. hahaha)
GRE guidebook, for chongy who's set on doing her post-grad (i told Fel that "i'm like the dumb blonde in the relationship" =)
Mensa IQ test (my futile attempt to close the gap. re previous point. hahaha! ;)
Max Lucado's Every Day Deserves a Chance (only because he's the writer)
Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth (i've heard of its fame. haha.. )
Richard Wiseman's Quirkology: The Curious Science of Everyday Lives (hey, that's 2 Richards in a row. hehe.. i like the title.)
Sebastian Faulks' Engleby (just because his name sounds familiar. names like these make for good shelfliners *nods sagely*)
the crown of my buys: AJ Jacobs' The Year of Living Biblically. i've been wanting this book since... Apr 2008!! found out recently that the term used for his brand of writing is immersion journalism. me likey. he's a slightly nutty one at that.. but i honestly think they all are. haha.. I have to admire his wife for her patience and sanity ;)

it broke my heart to have to tell all the other books that i took out that i couldn't bring them home with me =( it wasn't an easy choice - i deliberated for a good 20minutes. i would if i could, you know. i hope you understand. someday i will come back for you..

anyways, BBW sale is the BOOMZ! take that, MPH/Penguin/Times -- you guys suck! :P

i'll end this post with my all-time fav book quote:

the list of books I've started but haven't finished pales somewhat next to the list of books I've bought but never read, which is probably about equal to the number of books I've read but don't actually remember reading. then there are the books I've bought, have read, remember reading but have forgotten what actually happens in them. =)

***

actually, i think i'll end it with this lil footnote instead. was just checking my previous posts on books, and saw the entry on this particular book.. which i own, finally :) -- it was a birthday gift from a friend.. i hope i would love it as much as you do (but if i don't we're still friends right? XD). man, i still smile ever so sillily every time i remember that afternoon. =)

would you like your justice served raw or undercooked?

2009-11-23T20:42:00.008+08:00

one of my best moments today began with an SMS: "you will NEVER guess what happened."

within the next second, i picked up the phone and called the little birdie.

"WHAT?!"

hello was simply dispensed with. hot goss waits for no man.

"LOL! .. HR just called me.. about Ms Nomer. they are looking into these strings of complaints made against her."

"NO. WAY. Hahahaha.."

srsly, it's about time. :D did i tell you that the person who replaced me left after a month? and that the person who replaced the person who replaced me left after A WEEK? oh yeah!! if such a trend doesn't raise a soaking, bloody red flag, i don't know what will. in fact, i think they are already 3 years too late. i hope she gets what she deserves lah, for this massive trail of destruction she's leaving.

oh how i wish they'd want my testimony. call me! call me!!

2009-11-22T22:25:00.006+08:00

i'm supposed to be doing my assignments. note the plural. sigh~ i don't know how i'm gonna finish this in time. i only have til tomorrow, as i will be traveling for work on Tue & Wed. exam's on Thu, incl the deadline for the assignments. this might just be the worst i've ever slacked when it comes to completing my homework.

am a bit sad that class is ending on Thu. i have really liked it -- methinks that the lecturer did a good job in presenting the range of theories/possibilities and challenging us to think through and explore on our own (although he appears to take a pretty conservative stance on most issues). i also get to see a friend i haven't met in a long time prior.

but mostly, this class has been a significant part of me in the past four months. when i was battling the depressive state during my unemployment, going for class was something i really looked forward to each week. it gave me a sense of purpose, a reason to get out of the house, the excitement of learning something new. i love the rush i got when my brain starts churning and forming questions, and my heart pumping rapidly as i approached the lecturer to ask him. :)

but then there were the silly questions that were asked in class that got me rolling my eyes upward overtime, and the constant reminder of the looming deadline over my assignments. part & parcel of class, i suppose. *shrug*

so yeah, kinda bummed out lah. on a positive note, my Thu is freed up.. but with Christmas coming, there are just so many things to attend to! yikes!

my thoughts are weighing me down. i don't really know how to sort them out.

don't know, or don't want to?

"what do you want for yourself?" she asked.
"i don't know.." i squirmed.

if i had a dollar every time i said that..

maybe this is why i am so tired all the time.

2009-11-21T01:50:00.009+08:00

my favorite passage in the bible is psalm 51. it's a prayer of repentance, and somehow is always what i needed. it eloquently articulates that which is in my heart, and i just love it.

for this season in my life, i revisited the psalm & chose these verses.

create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

[psalm 51:10-12]

and to my utmost delight, jon foreman has also been inspired to adapt the verses into this song. *heart!*

jon foreman :: white as snow

i'm hoping to continue taking another night class the next semester. there were a number of classes available, but my options would be:

God, revelation & man (sounds boring. lol!)
the book of Acts (sounds tough! dowan.)
life of Christ (sounds just like what i wanted! =)

for there were times when i was just stopped in my track by thoughts along the lines of..

"who exactly are you, Jesus? i know you are "fully man & fully God", i know of your amazing deeds & radical ideas, of the cross, death & resurrection, but i don't really know how to relate to you. you call me a friend, people call you their best friend.. what does that mean? i think i can grasp the loftier titles you hold (king of kings, prince of peace), but still, i don't know lah.

i want to know more about you who i call 'Lord'. i am ever thankful for the cross and i want to deepen my appreciation, my adoration, my love for you. so help me God."

high expectations yo! :)

happy 31st

2009-11-19T21:59:00.006+08:00

.. to me! i'll just take happy, you can keep the birthday. deal? :)

may i always be grateful for the simple pleasures in life.

warning: lotsa text. no pics.

2009-11-19T00:06:00.007+08:00

It’ll soon be my 31st birthday. 23hrs 54mins from my writing this sentence. But unlike last year or the years before that, I’m not so hung up about turning a year older. Maybe this getting old thingy is well, getting old. And I kinda like being 30. Just needed to get the hang of it I suppose. Haha.. i don't really know what to feel.

The past 2 years had been extremely difficult for me. (Whenever I say something like that, I would think of others who suffer worse fate - physically, financial, mentally, divorce, death etc - and I feel like I needed to take back what I've said. :S) I’ve been challenged in many areas of my life, and regrettably I can’t boast that I rose to the occasion. In fact, I screwed up so badly in so many ways so many times, I'm amazed at all the second chances I get, and third and fourth..

One thing that consumed most of me was the horrendous experience in my previous job. Today I realize how I am still very much affected by the damage the ex-boss has inflicted in me. I don't like it that I am, because I've always thought of me as being one who could let go (haha! illusion shattered!) esp of people I couldn't care less about. I still feel the pain, the rage, the stress, how broken I was. And I hate reliving these feelings cos it's just stupid. I told chongy abt it, and here's what she said in reply.

[Ms Nomer#] has been a very negative force in your recent life
it takes a while to purge these kind of emotions and feelings
especially since you never really had closure on them
take heart
remember that you are now in a happier place
which you yourself contributed to
i.e. you made a decision to stop working at a bad place
and you left
and you endured a few months of joblessness
and now am working with someone you like working with
* end of i.e. *
all this required some sort of conscious determination on your part
which means you recognised your feelings of helplessness and became pro active abt it before it escalated
this means you are able to steer your life - don't let [her] take that away just by the sheer power of memories

# just so we are clear. this is NOT her name. I’m not that dense. Haha.. i derived this nickname from the word “misnomer” e.g. if your name is “Pretty” but you are ugly as Sam the purebred Chinese Crested dog, then your name is a misnomer. Well, methinks that the ex-boss is nothing like what her name is and hence her very apt nickname. *pats self on back*

She (chongy) always amazes/amuses me with all the things she's to say.. and I genuinely thought that the above, whilst not the 1st time she's said it cos it wasn't the 1st time i complained to her about it, was just so right and timely. I will fight this.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without you. Really. (Is that you I hear protesting? haha) This year would have been unsurvivable without your incessant encouragement. :) He knew & He gave. I posit that the timing of our friendship is nothing less than divine. That, or you're my personal harbinger of doom. Hahaha..

Ahh.. on the subject of friendship. The most painful thing I’ve had to endure was this past 2 years was the end of one. Frankly, I've never experienced anything like it. The wounds went as deep as the love, and I was left indignant, confused and downright miserable dealing with my emotions, trying to make sense of things, willing myself to let go. 'Twas near impossible. It doesn't help that I was constantly ambushed by memories of this friend as she has rather distinctive likings. [@chongy #ESOTSM needed indeed.]

But I would do her injustice to doubt her earnestness then or think that it was any easier for her. Has none of us not lose much to the folly of our youth? [At this juncture, I am reminded of another friendship that ended. Sigh. I just can't keep 'em.] I can get so caught up in myself that I forget it's not just about me.

So today, I think it's time. (Haha, up to yesterday I still couldn't so I hope I'm not just saying it now!) Being able to write this here shows that I have let go, for most part. Occasionally, memories will still prick, but I'll deal with them when it happens la.

Recently, someone I deem wise was advising another within my earshot, an advice I'm claiming for myself =) : if the friendship is meant to be, it would pick up where it was left off when the time is right. So I look forward to that, remembering that even if it doesn't happen, I'd have kept the good times to be cherished. She knows I wish for only the best for her. Unless she hasn't been paying attention. Hehe..

Wow. I wrote all that *gulps* I'll check in with me tmr if the sentiment remains.

And those were not all. I wish they were, but they weren't.

Mmm, life. C'est la vie? The older I get, the more cynical I become. I don't know where the wide-eyed optimist is - maybe she died a quiet death. I hear her sometimes, just a hollow echo. The idealist-cynic in me is tipping the obesity scale. I lose my temper quickly. So much anger sometimes. At the world, at people, at our sinful nature, at unanswered questions, at mindless violence, filthy self-righteousness and stinking pride, at irrational selfishness and insatiable avarice, at everything that is wrong, at myself. Oh I wish I could take a break.. from life. *deep breath*

I've made a mess of me
I wanna get back the rest of me
I've made a mess of me
I wanna spend the rest of my life alive

I've made a mess of me
I wanna reverse this tragedy
I've made a mess of me
I wanna spend the rest of my live alive

switchfoot :: mess of me

create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

psalm 51:10-12

Despite everything, I know I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes in my rage or pain, I get blinded when none of the storm clouds I'm going through is without a silver lining. None. My hope, my faith -- they are solid. I am thinking again about Jackson Pollock's paintings. The wild swirls of random strokes and clashing colours. Maybe they kind of illustrate how my mind is, but my faith & my hope in God - they keep me grounded..

I hope to write a brighter post tomorrow. :)

Thanks, Sheryl. I don't think I can say that enough.
(not using your rapper name here cos I'm like all serious. :P)

2009-11-16T22:22:00.011+08:00

ok, i really need to publish something before i die of writing constipation so here goes something i could stretch beyond 3 sentences.

when i said i like cats, i mean that i only like cute, fat cats. i don't like kittens. i don't like scrawny cats. i don't like siamese cats. i'm not too keen on persians either. best would be stg like a scottish fold. i believe in love at 1st sight when it comes to cats. i don't like being in a room full of cats, just one or two. i won't be a crazy cat lady. i like being licked by cats. i don't mind being scratched by cats but i would prefer it that they don't. i really don't like it when dogs sniff me with their damp noses, but i understand a dry one would mean that it's sickly. so have 'em wet but just keep away from me. i like baby alsatians. i like alsatians. i can understand the thrill of being worshiped by a dog, but i don't like the attention.. it's just overbearing. cat lovers are weird, won't you agree?

just like my heart.

nothing has changed and everything has.

2009-11-08T23:28:00.005+08:00

i have a couple of unpublished posts that i have been working on recently, about friendship.. thoughts, experiences, quotes. will they see the light of the Publish button? i hope so (it's been more than a month! hehe)..

this shouldn't have to be so difficult.

and just like that...

2009-11-03T23:11:00.006+08:00

i've crossed over
the l i n e that separates the kinda-carefree bumming life
and the corporate world

put on my sharp pantsuits and killer stilettos
[well, not really. wardrobe awaits to be overhauled.]

and marched back into modern day auschwitz
where image is [almost] everything
and integrity do so coyly whispers her price

oh well. whatever. ayam back!

this is a chronicle of the week before the crossover
served to you tapas style
so that you wldn't suffer from indigestion
and click 'x' too soon

note: pics are from all over the net
cos i don't have any

anyways

i started the week
with a 2pm "morning"
had the s-h-o-r-t-e-s-t day of my life
cos i went to bed again by 12
happiness.

m a x e d o u t the rest of the weeks with meals with ex-colls.

dinner at nirwana maju, bangsar
with ex-boss from 1st job

tea at paddington's pancake, 1U
with ex-colls from 4th job (the one i went back to)
plus movie (inglourious basterds) = typical tarantino: bloody + funny

[plus lone lunch @dave's - cappellini carbonara - i was smiling tersipu-sipu all alone. can't describe how much i loved it.]

lunch at decanter's, damansara
with ex-colls from 5th job (the one i js left)

was filled with so many "updates" a.k.a. gossips
by the end of this streak
/*burp*/

but friday was the fairest of all days
with seoulsearcher <3

my fav day! ^____^

/*gush mode ON*/

brekkie in the cinema
watched MJ's this is it concert footage -- it wld've been an awesome concert : (
munching on egg + cheese sandwich
while she'd a replacement meal drink + was it OJ?
both from juiceworks

lunch at dave's (again! whee!)
dave won the toss from sushi zanmai
i'd spaghetti with smoked bacon + mixed mushroom
she'd spaghetti smothered with mixed mushroom
we were so taken by our food that i'd to tweet about it on the spot

/*contented sighs*/

and the RM7 pot of green tea was really good!!
nothing like your standard teabag

for tea.. + early dinner (teanner?)
we had sushi
unbelievable i know
but sushi zanmai apparently doesn't like losing out on a toss
thought we'd save some $$$ cos we were eating on a not so empty stomach
WRONG! boo hoo.

dessert was delayed to 9pm
at food foundry
[one pc of mille crepe + one cuppa earl grey] * on a cool evening
= a perfect toast to end the week

i'm more than grateful. thank you. thank You.

another ending. another beginning.

2009-10-29T23:35:00.012+08:00

sometimes i feel like i was, for a split-second, mistakenly privy to the mystery of the universe. i would then recoil sharply and let go, only to be left uncomfortably curious about what i could have understood had i hung on.

sometimes i feel like a booklet so thin and flimsy it can't stand on its own.. so i wedge myself between a couple of sharp no-nonsense hardcovers, to be tickled by an uneasy smugness and unabashed awe while nervously passing off this 16-pager of unsubstantiated substance as something somewhat significant.. i am nervously aware that my cheap multi-hued cover is jarringly out of place and that it's only time til i am put back to the rack with the likes of me, the dreamers-not-doers.

sometimes i watch in bewilderment as i become my worst enemy.

***

this bumming phase of my life will end in 3 days. yup, after 3 months of languishing at home, i'll be starting work again. one of my ex-comps has graciously offered me a position, and i am grateful. more on this later, if ever.

i just wanna thank everyone who's walked with me through this rather depressing period in my life.. thanks for suffering me, being optimistic when i wasn't, for your genuine concern, encouraging words, work contacts, prayers, presence and time.. and the free meals!!! hahaha.. as i went through this rollercoaster of a ride meant the world to me. this past 3 months.. 9 months, actually.. has been a challenging time.. and i couldn't have done it alone. i don't think i could ever repay you, and i can only hope to extend this same grace to another.

funny to think this was how my 30th year was marked. i'll be 31 soon enough. like, whoa.

norman rockwell :: the connoiseur

sometimes i feel like i was the gentleman, but most times i am the pollock that he was admiring.

rber in my car that day, when we talked about the arts and you said that you like norman rockwell? :) i was thinking of this painting then, but i was unsure if he was the one who drew this. turned out he was :).. i didn't realise that he also did many of the paintings i like/am familiar with. :)

i love vegetables! :)

2009-10-26T15:45:00.012+08:00

ok, so guess two things these have in common:

for one, they are veges that begin with the letter C (carrots, celery, cabbage, cauliflower, cucumber).

and secondly... I DON'T LIKE THEM! *grimaces*

hahaHAHA.. :D

yet i maintain that i love vegetables.. give me a head of romaine lettuce and i'll go all rabbit-y.. give me a bed of greens and i'll nibble away.. i just don't fancy the above.. i'd add bitter gourd to the list, but it's a B. tomato is also optional. haha.. but C-veges are kinda out. whatta strange coincidence eh?

wow, i'm quite fussy eh - who wld've thought! :P

but all's not lost.. i like carrots.. but not for eating though.

haha, i lurve my 'yes to carrots' haircare.. LOL! they purportedly contain organic fruits and vegetables and dead sea minerals to give my hair the loving it needs.. and they smell awesome too!! ^__^ (stand closer the next time i toss my hair.. u'll know what i mean ;).. HAHAHA!

we're 7 today.

2009-10-26T00:52:00.003+08:00

*hollers all the way from KL to Jakarta where hubby is for the week*

happy 7th, hubby! <3

^________^

traditionally, the 7th wedding anniversary is associated with wool/copper..
err, i dunno what to make of that..
anyways, this is a pic of colored wool. so pretty hor. :)

2009-10-23T00:01:00.004+08:00

i've recently been giving something a little more thought than usual, going through possibilities in my mind and through what i've heard. i got this from a blog i shamelessly stalk :P, which sorta kinda is something i needed to hear as i explore..

If you think you haven’t found your passion yet, you’re probably expecting it to be overwhelming.

Instead, just notice what excites you and what scares you on a small moment-to-moment level.

If you find yourself diving into a book about Photoshop and playing around with the program for hours, go for it! Dive in deeper. Maybe that’s your new calling.

If you keep thinking about something like putting on a huge conference or being a Hollywood screenwriter and you find the idea terrifies but intrigues you, it’s probably a worthy endeavor for you.

You grow by doing what excites you and what scares you.

you can read the full article is here (it isn't much longer than the above).

i want to be..

2009-10-22T15:08:00.003+08:00

if you need a friend, don't look to a stranger
you know in the end, I'll always be there

and when you're in doubt and when you're in danger
take a look all around and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be (I promise)
but if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me
I promise, I promise you I will

when your day is through, and so is your temper
you know what to do, I'm gonna always be there

sometimes if I shout, it's not what's intended
these words just come out, with no gripe to bear

anberlin :: the promise

so true!

2009-10-22T13:14:00.002+08:00

2009-10-16T17:08:00.008+08:00

i fell onto the mattress beside me and struck a pensive MTV-worthy pose. with a song like this playing in the background, of course lah. i thought about my family.. something my brother said recently, how he loves the family though we always argued.. haha.. distance sometimes do wonders to relationships. :)

i thought about growing up in that now rather dilapidated wooden house with the outhouse, being spanked by my mom, hiding under my parents' bed & closet, playing pretend with my sis, falling off my bike, quarreling with my siblings (there was once all 4 of us were screaming at the other. good times..), the hand-me-downs which were always welcomed, the rush from engaging in forbidden activities e.g. watching TV or drinking cold water, freaking out at the sight of the occasional snakes that got into our home, drawing water from the now dried-up well, and all the blood from all the nasty falls and rusty nails..

回忆, you're funny. you'll be so good for a music video.

my sis has said more than once that i was always "there but not there", lost in my own world. really? i'm glad we turned out pretty level-headed. ;)

the song finished and i got up and typed this post.

jacky cheung 张学友 :: 我真的受伤了

2009-10-15T16:53:00.008+08:00

那一天在车里的收音机上听到你的歌曲 - 愛是永恆 - 让我想起十五年前的我.. 哈哈, 傻傻的我好年轻噢! :) 我今天在 YouTube 上找回你的歌曲来听.. 不想到我还懂得唱这么多首歌 - 真不错! 哈哈哈! ;)

有时真的很怀念过去的日子..

jacky cheung 张学友 :: 李香兰

note: this post is made possible with the great-but-not-quite-there-yet technology of google language tool, and jimmy lin. LOL! sorry if it doesn't read smooth but this is the best i can muster. (you can try translating the para above with google.. be warned that the result is appalling, but you should get the gist of what i wrote.)

500 days of summer, and then it's autumn..

2009-10-11T00:02:00.010+08:00

it's hard not to feel excited going for this movie esp when your *GUY* friends (note: male! plural!) gushed about it. rom-coms are usually not my cuppa, but i'm a sucker for positively reviewed movies.. and i ended up loving it! also, as one online review puts it, we are suckers for movies we can relate to.. [well, kinda :)]

cutie joseph gordon-levitt is tom, a romantic at heart, who believes he's met the girl of his dreams when he meets summer (zooey deschanel) who unfortunately doesn't believe in love. he was head over heels for her, but she wasn't ready to commit.. he must have thought that he could change her mind if he could get her to fall in love with him.. somehow. and because he so wanted it to work, he conveniently block out signals of her disinterest/backing down.

while i don't quite like summer the character for the way she played tom out, this review captures my thought:

The movie is Tom’s viewpoint so we never get to see her inner workings and motivations. That can be aggravating when she behaves seemingly irrationally or unemotionally and spurns Tom’s love… we can’t understand it, just as we don’t always understand the action and inaction of the ones we love in our own lives. It’s tempting to hate her for Tom’s sake, but Deschanel makes it impossible. Her Summer isn’t a conniving or hurtful bitch, she’s just an honest individual being true to her own confusion and doubts. Men don’t have exclusive rights to the absence of emotion.

and oh, i absolutely LOVE the movie soundtrack! :)

note: not quite sure why, but this movie is shown ONLY in sunway pyramid TGV cinemas for a very limited time, from Oct 1-14. you've til Wed (this week!) to catch it if you haven't.. i promise you it's absolutely worth it! :)

I got some troubles but they won't last
I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass
and pretty soon all my troubles will pass
'cause I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo
shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo sugar town

zooey deschanel :: sugar town

2009-10-08T16:42:00.003+08:00

the person who replaced me at my previous office has just resigned, barely a month into her employment. call me petty or pathetic, but pfffffbt!!! serves you right, ms nomer!

ahh.. this is just another testament to the great managerial skills of my ex-bosses. i know they will still not see the errors of their ways but wadevr.

wouldn't you agree that my 5.5months there is nothing less than an jaw-dropping display of herculean perseverance in face of adversity? *war cry + fist pumps* RAWR!!!

...

continues job hunting.

2009-10-06T15:00:00.002+08:00

I wish I had what I needed to be on my own
'cause I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone

and it all seems so helpless and I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land

and all I see, it could never make me happy
and all my sand castles spend their time collapsing

let me know that You hear me, let me know Your touch
let me know that You love me, let that be enough

switchfoot :: let that be enough

30, with RM1 change

2009-10-06T00:00:00.001+08:00

feels like it was only yesterday that we were walking to school together in our navy blue uniform.

hope your BIG one has many too!
HAHAAHAHAHA..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY sis sis!!
u'll always be 18 in my eyes. hehehe..

thanks for everything..
esp for bearing my nonsense.. and expenses :D
don't worry too much. take care of yourself.
watch your diet.

*jumps on sis for a piggy-back ride*
hahaha..

loves + hugsies

2009-10-03T23:56:00.007+08:00

was awaken one morn a few days back to an SMS from bom bom (you cool with this nick? =) who said she's an extra tix to wacky bar and asked if i would like to go. do i wanna?! freebie + theatre = of course! :D

wacky bar, the play, is set in a place where people meet to laugh, cry, gossip, share, pick up and break up. filled with a multitude of oddball characters, including the host, wacky, himself, the place is ripe for all kinds of extraordinary encounters.

the cast list includes some pretty famous names.. i'll try to recap the characs and what i can of the stories. i have to do this immediately tonite.. cos anything after 3 hours in my brain will just leak right outta my brain..

rashid salleh (who looked so chinese!), football fanatic and a jerk of a boyfriend was dumped by his two-timing girlfriend (maya tan abdullah, who also wrote the play & sang the closing number) who is moving to estonia with her new beau, having sold off the house, his football memorabilia and his dog. dude was so engrossed by the football match on tv he didn't know what hit him. men.

daphne iking (she's quite pretty but i didn't like her part of the act.. granted, her charac was drunk - i hope - together with shamaine othman but the act was still too raucous for my liking)

ida marianna and na’a murad in their Lust, Caution-inspired dialogue.. i thought the sexual tension was built quite well, but i can't put a finger to what i didn't like abt the act.. haha..

elaine pedley (who gave birth last February but looks like she has the body of a pubescent girl - unfair!), joanne kam poh poh (who lost quite a bit of weight since i last saw her.. 13 years ago.. haha) who were lamenting about their love life.. and shahredza minhat, megat sharizal doing the same from the guys' POV..

gavin yap, the lawyer with a boyish charm who was in love with his employer junji delfino, the cougar florene (whose pair of legs is sure sexy for a woman her age ;), iedil putra, as the indian-accented [i suck at ID'ing accent.. sounded indian to my ears..], my-shirt-is-so-gay escort to florene.

amber chia (who was reportedly playing her role only for 3 nites. and if you wondered if she could speak well enough for a theatrical role, no worries.. she was casted as a scrawny china ah lian gf to patrick teoh's wacky whose RM300 mambo shirt is so tacky it should sell for only RM30.

did i like it? 'twas okay la. haha.. there were some LOL moments, but i also felt like a number of them overacted - they need to tone it down lah. some details should also have been looked into (e.g. in the first act, the girl was breaking up with her bf when he was on the phone.. did she think he was listening when he had a phone to his ears although his lines corresponded to hers? wld've been better/realistic if he'd used a bluetooth earpiece). i also didn't quite like the many times the F-word was used.. but it *was* in a bar. what did i expect?! haha..

do i complain too much for someone who's grateful? ahahaha.. thanks again, bom bom, for the night & for thinking of me!! i really, really appreciate it! ^__^ 'twas also great seeing you after so long.. ;)

men & double talks.. pffbt.

2009-09-30T17:03:00.006+08:00

are you ever on twitter anymore?
i would like to remind you the fervour in which you persuaded me to get an account.

erm
NO i aint
LOL!
it sucks la
twitter made me realize how much i prefer blogging
bcos

uh huh.

to...constantly update
is very
LECEH
TEDIOUS

next time, i wont buy into your hype
grr.. you hyprocrite
*decides not to name names here, but you know who you are*

LOL!
eh
at least i didnt tel u popeye's chicken tastes damn good rite

*searches and pastes chat record*
[let me remind you what you wrote:]

awesome! :D
i prefer twitter more than blogging now :)
it lets me update more frequently den my blogging
hahahaha

that was 16 may

HAAHAHHA
oh d humanity
hmmm
do YOU stil twit?

ya
*demeans traitor on gtalk status*

-_-
very FUNNY!
hmmm
ok MAYBE i can tweet

tak payah

chehhhhhhh
dont la merajuk
mengada la kau

_______________________
i'm onto my 333rd tweet. just wanna rber how i got started. tweet #333 tips hat to the dude for a con job well done. thanks too for the word-of-the-day.
[apart.. a part.. the antipodal difference a space makes.]

i have but a few..

2009-09-28T12:22:00.000+08:00

2009-09-27T23:59:00.002+08:00

@one of my fav skylines, mar 08.

thanks, sis. <3

2009-09-25T16:27:00.006+08:00

i just came across the mention of "zune" in someone's FB status update. and my heart bled.

=(

you see, my zune - my beauty & beloved which i couldn't stop gushing about a year ago - died on me a while back. DIED. DEAD. as dead as a flattened roadkill. and i was in denial for a loooong time.

when the screen began showing signs of failure, i scoured the net for (free) solutions but there were none. and the paid ones are crazy expensive (first, i've to ship the item back to the States. that plus the unknown repair cost will just send this pauper to her early grave).. i restarted. and restarted. sometimes there were light. sometimes i could play a couple of songs. and then one day, there was nothing. it just stopped working.

man, did i died-ed! my heart was aggrieved and i totally cheesed off with microsoft. GARGH. bill gates, i want my hard-earned money back! and a new player.

and to think that i have all my painstakingly downloaded albums inside. and i was doing such a great job cleaning up the database and organising the songs. and i don't know how to retrieve them! :( i really, really miss my songs. and my fav pictures. and movies. and how i met your mother seasons 2-4. and scrubs seasons 3-5. a significant part of me is entombed within this lovely shell. we could've been so great together.

now u see why i was in denial? i should start a support group. googling "my zune is dead" lets me know that i'm not alone, but it dun take away the pain. before i bid a proper RIP, does anyone know of anyone in lowyat/digitalmall who have miracle electronic hands?

why did you have to die so young?! WHY?! =(

___________________

in class yesterday, my lecturer happened to mention about human needing to work, without which we'd be dead (can't rber his exact words). and i wanted to jump up from my seat and shout "preach it, brother!" haha..

i don't think i'm cut out to this bumming life. maybe if i've loads of cash and a private jetplane, it'll be fun. i'm just so miserable!!!! =( argh - can't begin to explain what i am going through. this daily depressive cycle.. i'm not motivated to do anything, what more to change the world. i just want to go back to sleep now.

maybe i should start a ministry reaching out to ppl who've lost their jobs. we'll just gather everyday at the mamak stall because it's all we can afford and lament about our state of joblessness and life in general. someone would whip out his harmonica and another his guitar and we'll all sing the blues and look forlornly into thin air. whatever. i'm hungry.

the last i check, i still have no regrets leaving my job. hehe.. better be a miserable bum, than a depressed & suicidal employee. :)

wooh, it's 5pm on a Friday.. is that the silent cheers of all workers in this time zone that i hear? =)

2009-09-24T17:17:00.008+08:00

i've always wondered what it means to 'wait upon the Lord'
tunggu

me too!!

ahahaha...
=)

in the NIV, it translates as "those who hope in the Lord"
easier to understand

i *heart* music
hope in the Lord
interesting

also cos im not a fan of waiting..
hahaha

me too...

hoping also implies having to wait
but not so in your face

HAHAHAHAHAHA
God to E: so like, you have to like, erm hope
but it's, erm, like, kinda waiting
but not like WAITING waiting
its, erm, kinda like waiting
but not in your face kind of waiting... get it?

[dalam hati] -_____-"

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God
the Creator of the ends of the earth
He will not grow tired or weary
and his understanding no one can fathom
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak

Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men stumble and fall
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like eagles
they will run and not grow weary
they will walk and not be faint

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)

lincoln brewster :: everlasting God

this is quite an "old" song [c.2006, originally written by brenton brown (who?:P), made popular by LB & chris tomlin], but only recently that we did this song for service. i love it - it just makes me wanna sing at the top of my voice! lol! "waiting upon the Lord" may not be fun, sometimes it's just plain painful, but it's hope that keeps us alive. yeah, i know what i'm talking about. :)

2009-09-22T15:46:00.006+08:00

preamble: i said something which i thought was funny. i supposed the person felt the same la as it elicited the following response:

Ha ha

mm u laugh different
i notice it when ppl press space betw the ha's
yours is usually "ahahahaha"
with the 'a' that comes before the rest of the ha's

Is it?
if it is any comfort, i keep a straight face when i am typing either one

lol yeah.. i usu think that ppl who laugh with spaces aren't laughing a very genuine laugh.. a laughter shd be continuous mah. and ppl who laugh like that dun usu make me laugh.. or aren't very funny ppl in real live.. but it's just me. im not judging u. oh, i already did.
HAHAHAHAHA

you think too much

[do i now? Ha ha.]

***

hearing this being played on tv just now got me feeling all nostalgic. heh.. 'twas 1995/96 and i was really blur then, and yes, still am. haha.. my ignorance shields me, but it irks others along the way. i'd like to think that i'm still the same, and yet i realize that i've changed so much. which is it, and does it matter?

and all the roads we have to walk along are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that I would like to say to you
but I don't know how

oasis :: wonderwall

there are many things that I would like to say to you, but i don't know how.

2009-09-19T23:59:00.001+08:00

In this life I'm stubborn to the core
In this life I've been burning after more
We both know what these open arms are for
You're everything that's fair

In this life you're my only one

In this life you're the one place I call home
In this life you're the feeling I belong
In this life you're the flower and the thorn
You're everything that's fair in love and war

switchfoot :: in this life (head over heels)

note: repost - june 8, 2007

my beef about the chicken

2009-09-16T13:52:00.011+08:00

a few weeks back, the GeekGoat tweeted that he..

wants to declare that Popeye's is hands down the best damn fast food chain in this side of the world.

i was skeptical lah, but also naturally curious.. been wanting to go berbulan lepas after passing by the shop in TTDI, but never got around to it. biasalah. so yest was the day and i would just like to say..

srsly dude, did you have a burnt tongue that day? your declaration is wayyy off mark.

so. chongy & i ordered the Ramadhan set, which comes with one whole spring chicken, 2 regular sized sides*, 2 drinks & 2 desserts (marigold's peach jelly-with real peach! *heart*). i added RM1 for the biscuit, which she recommended. err, i would suggest that you stick to the normal value meals, cos this wasn't a value meal. we paid more for nothing much!

* there was a case of false advertising here, cos in the poster, it looked like they came in 2 bowls.. and when we saw the 2 small containers of mashed 'tatoes + 'slaw, we went -_____-" chongy complained to them abt it (when she went to order extra serving of the mashed potatoes plus fries), only to be met with "saya kerja di sini saja". argh!

anyways, the spring chicken came later as they didn't have one fried, and we dug in, and it was.. awful. it was so salty, and the secret/sauce/spice-whatsnot tasted weird -- so much for louisiana sauce with a touch of kampong. i was honestly grimacing as i tried swallowing & keeping my mind on the conversation. LOL!

after a few more bites, chongy decided to return the chicken. and because i was feeling chicken-ish, i didn't follow her to the counter. haha.. she came back shortly after that with the replacement of 2-pc regular + 2-pc spicy (which totally wasn't - i couldn't tell the difference). whee!** when informed that the chicken was too salty, the manager said it shouldn't be so and suggested maybe it was over-marinated. they decided to take chongy's word for it despite her insistence that they try it. oh well. haha..

** short-lived joy -- we technically lost out cos we paid for more than wat we ate in the end (a fact we bemoaned). grr..

well, the conclusion.

the chicken was all right, but i don't think it was anything to shout about. i'd say KFC definitely trumps popeye's in this dept. some reviews said the chicken here is less oily.. err.. it's fried chicken lah. then again, KFC's Hot & Spicy memang very oily.. sometimes the chunk of fats is kinda turn-off.. hence, i switched to Original. problem solved. haha..
the cajun fries were good, as were the mashed potatoes. :) i might come back for these, but i could live without them.***
i was never a big fan of the 'slaw, but it tasted all right in small portion.
the biscuit was kinda good too.. tasted kinda like soft scones, and went well with the cajun gravy. again, i wouldn't go outta my way to return for just that.

so yeah, i'm just gonna give popeye's one more chance to blow me away with the their fish & shrimp set, and if that don't work out.. for now KFC, u still have a friend in me.

*** if you lurrrve this tuber goodness much as i do, i'd suggest ireland's potato (so far i've only seen a stall in sunway pyramid near the cinema, not sure if there are franchises elsewhere) instead.. it's everything potato.. i've had dreams of this. i'm salivating just thinking about it!! ^__^

only 2 readers will find this funny

2009-09-14T15:04:00.001+08:00

dedicated to all mah fellow freakquent FB users ;)

^___^

2009-09-12T22:11:00.005+08:00

tmr is a veli spesel day.. hubby's celebrating his 3x-th birthday :P and he's also getting ordained!!!

ordained? what's that ah? mm.. i can only think of it as the church version of datukship.. haha.. it's a recognition by the Assembly of God Council for his service as a minister of God's word (he's been a pastor for 8 years now). ordained ministers get to use the title "Reverend" before their names.. but hubby's kinda shy about it. haha.. hence, i am teasing him relentlessly. i'm so cute. ^__^

i think it's good to appreciate people and their work.. but at the end of the day, titles are man-bestowed.. it's God's commendation that we should seek! chewah.. but memang pun. to God be all glory!

my prayer for him is that he would be a vessel which from God's grace flows freely. that he would love God wholly, with all his heart, soul & mind. that he would diligently seek Him in everything. as for every other thing, it would be taken care of.

quoting him from cell discussion yesterday: serving God does not necessarily mean that we love Him. but loving God would show in the things that we do (paraphrased la, dun rber word for word..gist cukup lah :)

he's got a really proud wife here.. wear your sunnies cos here are my *BLINDING BEAMS!!* B)

hubby & i have very few pics together, mainly because he shuns the camera.. (manakala isterinya pula gila bergambar.. ;) this is one of my favs.. taken at an island off KK in 2006, after we got down fr mount KK.

makes me tear. every single time.

2009-09-11T11:55:00.014+08:00

this picture greeted me this morning from the pages of the the Star (*giggles* a pun! =) they were taken by the recently restored hubble space telescope. from what i see, i suppose this is the fun part about being God. =)

[insert every word in thesaurus for "AWWWESOME"]
nothing cuts it, right? *sighs in adoration*

31 can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?

32 can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

33 do you know the laws of the heavens?
can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

34 can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?

35 do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

36 who endowed the heart with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind?

37 who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

[job 38:31-38]

riddle me this.

wedding bells a-ringing :)

2009-09-09T09:19:00.000+08:00

if there was a couple that i know are just meant for each other, it has to be this:

i don't know how to say this without sounding corny, but i am happy that each found in the other someone to love and cherish through life's ups and downs.

bro, i'm so very happy for you two! ^__^ wheeee!
*mata bersinar-sinar*

soo yee, welkam, welkam.. hehehe..
*rubs hands in glee, not-so-secretly plotting to bully new sis-in-law*

their 090909 registration is today at the chinese assembly hall in downtown KL. ceremony et al will be next year.. oh, what to wear, what to wear?! hahaha..

you would know if this was meant for you..

2009-09-08T11:02:00.006+08:00

this is a long shot, cos i don't know if you come here.. and i just don't have it in me to ask you F2F, that is, if you would even so much avert your eyes to mine. sigh~

so yeah, that little footnote in your sept 1 entry - was that meant for me? it sounded like it was and got my tummy all knotty. please, tell me No. tell me i'm too perasan. tell me it's someone else. tell me it's too late into the night to be reading too much into that. tell me..

ahh, but you wouldn't.. :(
sometimes it feels like you're teasing me..

...

to your rhetorical question, i can't give a Yes. what and how i am today, it's to do with me not being able to do that. could you? have you? will i ever know? is it important that i know? and what was it that had you gagged? is there no way of you...?

but hor... curious as i am, i don't wanna deal with this for now. don't know how to. don't even know if i need to. i've got other things rocking (not in the positive sense) my world right now.. so i will just pretend the answer is what i wanted to hear. this will slip my mind soon, and life trundles on..

2009-09-07T13:37:00.003+08:00

I regarded the world as such a sad sight
until I viewed it in black and white
then I reviewed every frame and basic shape
and sealed the exits with caution tape
don't refocus your eyes in the darkness
and don't remember this place unless
I describe all the things that you cannot see
and we'll unravel the mystery

owl city :: dear vienna

Diary of an Involuntary Bum - Day #279

2009-09-04T02:52:00.007+08:00

what, it's only been 1 month?!
i'm degenerating into an insufferable babbling idiot.
no, i wasn't like that before, whatever are you talking about?!

i've given up on trying to correct my sleeping pattern. it's a hopeless cause. however, i did get up at 8am today.. because i had an interview at 10. hehe.. was kinda worried that i wouldn't be able to wake up. that's what hubbies are for: fallback alarm :) the interview went well and i think they were interested, but being the small non-profit organisation (total staff strength: 10), i don't think they can afford me. but i'm cheap! oh shaddap. :P

i got a ticket today, courtesy of majlis perbandaran petaling jaya!! boo hoo. look at the halo over my head -- how was i to know that was an illegal parking spot? aish, i was holding myself back from buying a book*, and now i've gotta pay the fine. DOWAN. DUN CARE. *folds arms and pouts*

* the book, kazuo ishiguro's the remains of the day, is sending wild signals to get me to read it. really. here's the scoop:

i had a glimpse of it at borders on Tue. nice cover, but i didn't bother.
came across it the 2nd time on Wed on a recommended reading list on a blog. checked it out on amazon. i-must-read flag alert.
decided to ask chongy if she's heard of it. found out it was one of her fav authors. super intrigued by now.
happened to be back at borders on Wed evening, saw book and picked up. read first few pages -- major deja vu moment when i got to the part where the master asked the butler to take time off and gave him the key to his car. where have i read/saw this before? my heart raced, for real. chongy said that there's a movie but my blur memory seemed to suggest an anime instead.

i got thisclose to buying the book. decided against it, on $$ grounds. :(
one day.. *hopeful* :)

our Father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven

give us today our daily bread
forgive us our debts
as we also have forgiven our debtors
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
[for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. amen.]

to some of you, it's a trite piece, often mindlessly repeated. yup.
to others, you couldn't be bothered. i understand.
one would probably go hallowed?? halloween? hollow? hellowww?
to me today who chanced upon it while randomly browsing at a bookstore, it was a prayer so radical, so complete.. beautiful.

check out this dude: owl city. haha.. cool moniker eh. [thanks deb for getting me hooked! :)]

i love the uppity feel of his songs.. tell me you didn't smile! he wrote his songs in his basement on his computer when he couldn't sleep - and all i get when i was sleepless are dark circles under my eyes. aish.

his other song fireflies is another fav of mine.. if u like what you heard, check out his myspace too. his CD goes into the list of things i want to buy when i get a job. it's a long list.

why things don't get done in my world..

2009-09-02T02:01:00.004+08:00

2009-08-31T23:45:00.005+08:00

it's been an uneventful merdeka day. didn't catch the parade on TV if there was one.

my waking hours are still wonky - i got up past noon again. at first the late mornings were fun, now i just think that i'm just wasting precious time. why can't my nagging conscience just leave me to bum in peace?!

anyways, had lunch with hubby & chongy in puchong, at the famous puchong batu 14 yong tau foo restaurant.. or shack, rather. hehe.. it was our second time there and i'm still lovin' it! :)

everything's stuffed & fried on the spot to ensure freshness & they are very generous with the fish paste portion & i love the crispy fried stuff (i don't usually take the fried stuff, because most places would pre-fry them.. and by the time i bite into them, the crispiness is gone and it's all hard and cold.. dunlike) & the soup base.. it's reeeally good, trust me! ;)

(pics here grabbed fr other blogs. google around for the location map.. the place is known as just that: batu 14 puchong yong tau foo.. haha.. how original.)

they also have paper-wrapped chicken & curry chicken & rendang chicken (which was just all right).. and pan mee. but we were all too full from the YTF. BURRRRP. excuse me ;)

as i needed to get rid of some black heads badly (yeah right), chongy & i dropped by this newly opened place in serdang, called d'aura spa. hubby & i chanced upon it yesterday after dinner, and they gave us a guided tour (-__-" no choice) and told us they were having a promo.. i was a little hesitant about the place but didn't know why (until later.. read below).. but since most shops in sri petaling were closed today, we just went over lah.

however, i DO NOT recommend it. lol! i didn't think my beautician was even professionally trained, nor was chongy's masseur. and the whole place looked kinda dodgy despite the RM1.4mil renovation (apparently, the place was previously also a massage centre, with "extras" thrown in if you get what i mean, which led to their license being revoked until it was taken over by the current owners. still, despite the makeover, we still felt the unclean vibe). argh - that's RM58 down the drain.. :(

otherwise, the day has been, like i said, uneventful..
nevertheless, happy merdeka, peeps!

2009-08-30T22:16:00.003+08:00

i almost had a heart attack this morning.

it began when i was in bed and was awakened by a call from my drummer.

ellis, are you coming to church?

*mumbles* yaa..

uhh, it's 9.45 dy.

WHAT?!?!
*looks at time on handphone*
ARGGGHHHH!!!!!!! COMING! COMING!!!!

sigh. adrenaline shot thru my nose, and i dashed like never before.. (and my neighbor just had to park haphazardly.. grr..) by the time i reached church at 10am, i was all flustered and my mind was everywhere. thank God for the 20-min prayer we have at the beginning of service that allowed me to catch my breath and thoughts. and for my very gracious team.. :D

i teased JS (who is trying - i hope - to kick his tardiness habit) that what i did DID NOT and in NO WAY give him the green light to do the same. haha..

if anything, i am reminded of the importance to be early. if trying to focus on worship on a normal day is tough, doing it while your mind has gone to the heavens and back is near impossible.

ni nak kena pecat ni. lol!

i'm hiding under your porch because i love you

2009-08-29T02:18:00.006+08:00

whenever i feel overwhelmed, which is like 37 times a day, i will imagine myself all curled up in a fetal position for that quick-fix comfort. but it's all just in my mind though - i don't actually physically do it, even when i'm in bed. :P

i'm pro-life, says my idealist half. i'm pro-choice, suggests my realist half.
i told my hubby to pull the plug on me if i ever turned vegetative. he'd better not chicken out on me.
does posting that here constitute will writing?

"why do they make us cry so early in the movie?!?"
i am so in love with Dug. the poet asked if Dug's a nickname for my hubby. haha..

yesterday's interview wasn't half bad at all! i felt like we spoke the same language, and that i could work well with her (she is but one year older than me only. and how did i know this? i stalked her on FB. MUAHAHAHAHA! oh the wonders of the internet never cease to amaze me..) i wonder if this would happen. mmhmm..

now in this world, there're ups and downs
so nice to know there are jackalopes around
(from pixar's short film, boundin')
thank You, for all the jackalopes in my life.

2009-08-27T23:51:00.001+08:00

so i went to class today. ^__^

signed up for a nite class @ the Bible College. i'd completely forgotten about registration til last Friday before church camp when J mentioned that class would start today. yikes!

so i had 3 hours today of NOT having to think about my state of joblessness. sigh~ i told myself that i shouldn't start worrying til September (which is err, just 3 days away), but look at me! i'm restless. the fact that i screwed up royally at the interview yesterday really spoiled my day. plus i was so bummed out that i basically achieved nothing today. and just before class, i'd a bad dinner of a very oily piece of roti canai & milo that just didn't go down well - i gave everything back to the school's toilet during break time. everything fely like a vicious downward spiral. yes, i waz very teh depwessed.. so the distraction of a class was a welcome respite.

speaking of distraction, i watched UP with chongy & tim (happy bday!) yest, hoping that it would cheer me up some. it did! - that was another 110mins of LOLs and tears. u know what... i wish i had a talking Dug! ^____^ hehehe.. he is juz teh cutest. imagine if your mom brought home a dog, and the dog could talk (yes, far-fetched, but play along!) and the dog tells ya, "I have just met you, and I love you.." major AWWWWWWW moment!! i love you too!! *HUGSS*

2009-08-27T15:12:00.003+08:00

2009-08-26T00:00:00.006+08:00

we just got back from our church camp @cherating. what to say, it was good!

shared K's sentiments about how expectations have changed for family camp as we grow older. when i was younger, camps were about group activities and all-night chats and catching sunrises. now, i just want to laze around and sleep in (err.. i missed the morning devotion sessions altogether *repents* err.. it was hubby's fault for not waking me up? haha..) and i'm glad that non-activity (aside from music practices which i don't mind.. in fact, i love them!) is a trademark of our camps. i really don't wanna have to take a holiday to recover from this holiday.

the sessions with the speaker were really good, although he was a bit long-winded. haha.. rev jason goh from new life sanctuary spoke for in english section & ps joanne from 1st AG for the chinese section). ps goh's years in the ministry and his heart for people really showed. he was encouraging without being reprimanding. he was passionate & compelling. i hope everyone caught something from him (zeal lah)..

my heart broke as he skimmed over the topic of division in the church. he didn't go into depth, but because i know of one church that's going through such conflict, i js couldn't help my tears. even ps goh, who has a face of a seasoned mafia taikor (haha!), were apologizing for his tears. i wondered if we were thinking abt the same issue.

how do You feel? do they care? do they know what they are doing? would You just bring them to their senses and knees, and to quit making a mockery of that which is Your bride? stuff i have occasionally heard from my hubby and his pastoral friends just leave me grieved, angered, bewildered and ultimately, drained. sigh~

ps goh also touched on the gifts of the Spirit (prophetic words in particular, that are to edify the church). so when he asked the congregation if it had any, some spoke up. for me, there was a song that came to me but regrettably, i was too chicken to share it (esp when i couldn't remember the exact words to the song). erm, anyways here it is.. i love this song & i've posted it before. i think it was needed. sorry for keeping mum.

Your voice has stilled the raging storms
the wind and waves bow down before
Your still small voice brings hope to all
who wait on You, we'll wait for You
to lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
and all our earthly strivings come to cease

take from our souls the strain and stress
and let our ordered lives confess
the beauty of Your peace

bright skies will soon be overhead
we'll enter in to Heaven's rest
there'll be no death, there'll be no pain
the things of old will pass away
You'll lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
and all our earthly strivings come to cease

tim hughes :: beauty of your peace

speaking of prophetic words and digressing from the camp topic (and i am treading on this as lightly as possible), i do feel that many of what i've heard is kinda rehash of the same few things. i know the words are meant to encourage the church, but.. say something new? something different? i mentioned this in passing to some church elders, and i think they agreed with me (at least i hope that was what the nods meant!) maybe it's just a matter of reading the Bible more eh?

stg kinda funny also happened: we played a game of Who's Who (basically, u just guess the person based on given clues & get the person to affirm it) with the objective was to get ppl to know each other better.. i had an entry too ;) and the hint to my identity was something along the line of me having on my famous blog that "i am married to a man of the cloth" (emphasis mine).

that famous part really got me LOL-ing (still does!) cos 5 readers don't a famous blog maketh. i'm not even trying to be humble here. guess my kinda writing doesn't appeal to the mass. boo. :( anyways, i really got teased for the cloth part (that's cos this archaic term fell out of style when i was born so nobody knew wad it was.. hehe..) so they were saying that my hubby had to jual kain at the pasar malam to support us now that i'm unemployed. haha..!

anyways, before i go into the Maddening Obscurist mode, just wanna give a shoutout to Chukai's (a small town in Kemaman bordering Tganu & Pahang, abt 20mins' drive fr camp site) famous Kemaman coffee @Hai Peng and stuffed crabs. yums!

___________________
in the 3-second pause between calling my name and starting the conversation, i wished it wasn't "we broke up" that i read from your face.. and later heard from your lips. sigh~ i'm sorry.

have we gone back to ignoring each other? gargh. i'm still reeling from that day when you brushed my Hi aside. which is why now i'm all speechless and draw blanks when i see you. was it something i said? or were you just lost in your thoughts? am i suppose to try harder, or am i just reading too much into this? annnd you had to walk through that door when i was alone, didn't you? aih, awkward! sigh~ why lah.

2009-08-21T01:14:00.011+08:00

i've got a couple of interviews lined up next week, but i ain't exactly jumping for joy. i didn't realise how deep a wound and ugly a scar the previous job had left me. sure i'm happier, sure i left before i went nuts, but i think the damage was done. it was already done the moments sense was knocked into me. those moments still give me heebie jeebies and momentary breathlessness.. sigh~

i'm afraid. what if it happens again? i somehow don't think i have the energy to repeat this process. my resume is already a hodgepodge of half-baked experiences. i feel like i'm getting nowhere but i'm inexplicably not too worried about that now. i guess i'm just filled with the dreads of what-ifs right now.

i reckon this feels like emerging from a bad personal rship. belittled. used. hurt. angry. despair. abused. disgusted. betrayed. helpless. some or all of the above. haunted by the thoughts that you were never good enough and would never be. that you are solely to blame when it didn't work out. if only you had try harder. that the ideal job/rship is just puerile dreams. sigh~

bumming is supposed to be fun. kenapa boleh macam nie pulak..?

=(

but.. as i wait for my happy ending to fall on my lap, i take heart in yours.

=)

______________________
i am happy lah these days
happiest i've been in years
so yeah
just enjoying it

happy 4 u :)
i wanna say 'u deserve it' but i dunno if we deserved anything
hehe
but yeah, just happy that u r!

yeah we probably don't
i am glad lah
it's nice to be in a rship where both parties adore each other equally
been awhile

and you thought you'd never find the person kan? ;)

yes!
i honestly thought no way
gave up liao
so yeah

im glad u were proven wrong

to get someone that is like that and checks all boxes is amazing
and a miracle

***

duuuuuuuuuuudette!
kalau [new comp] best u dtg join aku la ok!
i hav found my happy place hehehe
happy happy happy
free parking sum more
medical covers indiv and dependents :)
and d [office] building is so awesome!
it really helps dat i hav 3 skoolmates there too
frenz dont let frenz join shitty companies
for me, i was lucky cos [they] needed a writer who cud write with flair
so it jus so happened i applied
and its near my house, again dat really helps

2009-08-20T01:35:00.005+08:00

i get accused of being sentimental with my films, and optimistic..
then i usually say, "what do you want?
it's pretty shitty out there
you want more of it in the cinema?
what's wrong with you?
weren't you picked up as a child?" LOL! my new fav line.
why obliterate hope?

yasmin ahmad, in the making of chocolate
(the leading guy in this short film reminds me of my baby bro -- the demeanor, the 'tude, the boyish face.. =)

do check out the short film, and 15Malaysia (a short films project consisting of 15 short films about Malaysia directed by some of the best young filmmakers in our country)! sounds like a great idea - i can't wait for the other short films (they are released every other few days, this is the 2nd in the series)..

that conversation at the door.. i wish i had the answers to all your burning questions, but i don't. i ask them too. many would linger long as this world be, til perfection comes. chill k?

2009-08-16T12:30:00.006+08:00

i'm where i wanted to be.

what a day!

2009-08-13T22:23:00.005+08:00

am kinda bummed out that i'm here typing this post. cos it means that i am NOT on my way to spore.

MAJOR BUMMER! :(

but yeah, it happens. sigh.

started the day in a daze, cos i stayed up the whole night to complete a section of my freelance work to hand in before i leave for the trip. (btw there was supposedly a meteor shower last nite, but our lovely malaysian sky was completely blocked by the haze. grr..)

being the super procrastinator that i am
+
underestimating the time needed to complete the section
+
slowww internet connection
+
short attention span
=
a whole nighter

my parents came at 8am, just in time as i shot off the work email. drove off to putrajaya hospital for my dad's checkup. he hasn't been feeling well lately and his doc doesn't quite know why.

the queue was classic government hospital style la so we took a number and waited for our turn. there were 79 people ahead of us. just for registration. seeing the doctor was another queue after. so i walked around a bit and bumped into the Yong family from church. said hi while being all woozy from lack of sleep. went to the cafeteria for a quick bfast and headed back to my mom's.

and the drama began.

mom had her eyes closed and her hands wrapped around her tummy. i tot she was just resting, so i asked for a sip of water to drink. she didn't reply for a while there, but a short while later she clutched her ribs and whispered that she was having some chest pain. dad was with us and we sat with her for a while. the pain didn't subside.

i went over to the reg counter and told them that my mom has chest pain and needed immediate attention. the nurse pointed me to the emergency ward at the other end of the building, and so i ran over.

told the nurse there the same thing, and she pointed me to the triage room nearby. classic runaround. grr.

i went over, told the same thing to the nurse there. she impassively asked me to get my mom over. without suggesting how. didn't i say she was at the other end of the building? a bit of a -_- moment there. so i asked for a wheelchair, but before she said yes, she pointed to it and said "but we only have one".

-_____- SO??

but i quickly took the wheelchair, ran back to my mom and got her on it.

at the same time, my dad's number was coming up soon. i knew he wouldn't register on his own cos he's not conversant in BM/Eng and my tall and very opinionated dad is quite timid when it comes to stuff like these -- and always needing mom to speak on his behalf. and i didn't want him to miss the reg - who knows when his turn will come again?!

so i quickly called the Yongs - thank God they were still around. asked the dad to help my dad with reg, while i dashed my mom to the emergency ward. mom said she didn't bring her IC (what? mommm? how can you go out and not bring IC?!) good thing she's come for checkup once before with my hubby, so they already have her record. the MO asked her a few questions - i translated what she couldn't understand but generally she was able to provide him with pertinent info (where is the pain? pointed at rib/chest. what kinda of pain? macam kena cucuk. did you feel anything on the neck? nope. how long have you had this? sporadically these past few days but nothing like this. any previous record? yeah, in GH. a few years back.

he then wheeled her into the ward and asked me to wait outside. so i wass furiously texting and calling my sis, hubby, chongy, the yongs. was super tensed and at the verge of tears. was praying the whole time that she would be okay and trying to stop my imagination from going wild.

what ensued was a lottt of waiting (it took 2 hours from the point when the nurse said mak you sudah boleh balik to the point where we actually left the hosp grounds) but thankfully, in the end, dad got his appointment.. and yeah, mom was all right. :) *heaves big sigh of relief*

so it wasn't a heart attack, just severe muscular pull. i've always been fearful that it would be the former, cos it runs in her family. my maternal granddad and three of my uncles had all succumbed to it. my parents' good health is always, always on top of my prayers.

anyways, so thankful that i was there with them (glad i wasn't working :). that the yongs were there. that it happened in the hospital vicinity and she could get immediate attention. that my mom is ok. that i didn't buy my bus tickets yet (horray to leaving things to the last minute! :)

by the end of the drama, my adrenaline level dropped, and i all @_@ again. we ended up having lunch in dengkil (the tong poh yoke in restaurant where we ate is the yums. brought back memories of my cyberjaya days with the girls).. we took a slow drive home cos of the rain and also cos i was kinda stoned. haha..

so my Spore trip is postponed. yet again. mom asked me to go ahead with my plan, but i decided not to, since need to accomp my dad to the hosp again on Monday (i hope whatever test he need to take would come back negative). and next weekend's already church camp.

are some things just not meant to be? stay tuned to find out.

2009-08-13T02:06:00.004+08:00

my memory is going south. feeling so helpless on this journey -- antartica's almost in sight! abandon ship!

went back to my previous workplace which i've left barely six months ago, stepped into the reception, saw the first face and went into panic mode. i couldn't for the life of me remember 80% of the names. was saved a couple of times by my bubbly hello and a big smile, but i quickly ducked into my prev supervisor's room and hid there the remaining of the visit. i felt so embarrassed. shame on you!

looks like if i slipped into alzheimer's today, it'll probably be business as usual. boo hoo!

2009-08-11T02:26:00.004+08:00

i used to think i was a complicated person with complex thoughts and emotions.

oh the folly of my youth! :)

i'm as simple as they come. how did i even think otherwise, i don't know lah.

i would like more depth though, in my thoughts and characters. hopefully, that's a gift age would bring. heaven forbid that i should end up to be everything i promise myself to never be. grumpy petty stubborn selfish. stuff like that.

2009-08-10T22:31:00.004+08:00

my bumming days have officially begun.

i'm as happy as a lark - you will concur too if you've been following my saga. i love happy endings ;)

that episode is behind me now. a little too quickly, maybe. i forgot to mention to HR some of the things i should have during my exit interview. aish..

a church member walked up to me last sunday and said i'm so blessed my hubby is so supportive. indeed. ;)

looking forward to so many things in the next few weeks..

- some freelance work. gotta keep the moolah coming.

- interviews. *squirms* well not really. but having some would increase my chances of being hired. haha..

- singapore!! that has been on my list since forever..

- church camp @cherating. w00t!

- a short trip with hubby.. someplace. haha..

- best of all, late mornings and nights. ^___^

- catching up on books and movies. some cooking, perhaps? the hubby will be pleased. ;)

- oh, some low cost activities this wednesday. chongy! ^___^

my bumming days have begun. this lazy post testifies to that. hehe..

2009-08-06T23:48:00.004+08:00

it's my last day at work tomorrow. my butts have barely made a dent on my swivel chair. ah well. some things are just not meant to be.

not looking forward to the obligatory farewell hug. i'm touchy feely only with a select few, generally am not too keen on physical contact otherwise. so if i don't know really you, what more if i don't like you.. it's just dreadful and awkward lah. can i just wave?

..

18 hours from now, i would be stepping into an unknown. i can now add "being unemployed" to the list of things i've done when i'm 30 -- a great list of underachievements. haha..

worried? not really. not yet.
nervous? maybe, kinda.
excited? i suppose so.
assured? yup. :)

thank you.

2009-08-02T23:18:00.013+08:00

this too shall pass
(hebrew: גם זה יעבור‎, gam zeh yaavor)

this phrase popped up today from the recesses of my ever shrinking mind. thoughts that followed made me happy, and then sad. wasn't very together for most of the day -- was stoic a moment, suicidal next. mired in inadequacy, yet there was the air of invincibility that didn't feel spurious. part exuberant, part anguished. i wish i was just one thing at one time. self control: fail.

it is a reminder, for you and for me, about the transience of it all.

i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

"do they collide?"
i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter

when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
for all time

death cab for cutie :: passenger seat

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it."

"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?" "It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy."

Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility. Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet.

"Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile.

That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled. To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face.

The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall pass." At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

[update - err.. need to clarify. this is just a folklore. not from the scripture. -__- my bible is legit ok. haha..]

the emancipation of sille

2009-07-29T00:47:00.007+08:00

it's the wee hours on a wednesday morn, and i am not inclined to complete my work. didn't even start. haha.. there's just so much to do. and it never ends. no kidding. i've no regret leaving this job.

so yeah la i tendered my resignation. and i wasn't the only one. haha.. shhh..
serving my 2 weeks' notice (thankfully it's not 1 month, or worse, 3 months post-confirmation. i have a coll who tendered yonks ago, he's still in the office and i'd be leaving before he would. kesian!).. ms nomer has asked me to stay for the 2 weeks to do a proper handover, and she would compensate me for my leave days balance. i'm agreeable. i need the moolah, and i have no where to go anyways.

anyways, she was quite laid back about my quitting, like she was expecting it (or maybe it's just that she's received so many resig letters, she's stopped counting :). i would be surprised if she wasn't. well, this didn't stop her from screaming at me today [this is an outright act of defiant! why didn't you do as i say?!]. i don't get her (maybe i'm just passive-aggressive). chill lah, woman!

twice already have i been told that my countenance has changed. well, i am happy. ;)
but twice also have i been told that i looked pale. what gives!

recommendations have been coming in, both for freelance and permanent, and i am beyond thankful. whether i get those jobs, i don't know lah. err, i would need to apply first. haha! but that which my heart desires - no news.. aih.. i'm so stubborn. or should i say, focused? ;)

i'm going to take a 2-week break (assuming that i would actually get to be reporting to work somewhere after) when these 2 weeks are over. i hope my car don't get towed away by repossessors while i'm away. haha..

8 [working] days and counting..

2009-07-26T21:20:00.005+08:00

was supposed to be typing out my resig letter (i've told the whole world and their neighbor about this, so i'd better do it. heh.) but that would have to wait a bit..

the SMS fr sis after church service today was quite a rude shock - yasmin ahmad has passed away.. everything went blur for a moment then.

first among my thoughts were and WHAT? NO! and betul ke, maybe another rumour? wasn't she just recovering? and but i haven't even watched muallaf and talentime yet! and that first one leh, where the old couple bathing together wan? oso haven't!

i really like her works. sepet, gubra, mukhsin.. the petronas ads.. maybe they are too ideal, but maybe she's just before her time.. *muddled thoughts*

:'(

______________________
when Deb through a slip of tongue referred to a woman in her 30s as 'middle aged', i was incredulous but we laughed about it. but what if i have used up half my lifespan? what have i got to show for? what am i going to do with what's left?

ecc 3:11b kept flashing through my mind today. God has set eternity in the heart of men.

with eternity in our hearts, how did we squeeze that to being so self-centred? why do we pick on the inconsequential and harp on the minutiae? and what can i do, to not be the subject of my questions?

...

He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
[ecclesiates 3:11b]

unloading...4..3..2..1.

2009-07-24T23:46:00.009+08:00

i have so much to say. maybe too much has been happening and i have not the time nor outlet to vent, what with me being the last to leave the office every single night this past week, except today of course. MC mar. hehe.. and chongy hasn't been around and is now off to a nice island somewhere.. mm, i'm starting my rant (not really one) complaining about not having been able to vent. haha..

big news. well, it's big to me, but most of the ppl i told the news to was kinda nonchalant about it. hello, it's big ok. maybe on their minds is "FINALLY. now she can stop complaining!" what about? jeng jeng jeng.. i've decided to resign from the wretched job. this monday. *heaves a big big sigh of relief* yes, gonna fry my boss' sotong. bye bye, hanging on and hanging tough. and no, i don't have a firm offer in mah plate yet.

...

did that stop you in your track? no? darn it. i should live a sitcom life. then i'd get the desired and timed response i so expected. how are you going to survive? *shrug* dunno wor. lol! trust God to provide. :) hubby's given me the green light. maybe my incessant grumbling and tears convinced him. hehe..

it's been a whirlwind of a 5 months. some of my colls asked, what do you do? why are you so busy? frankly, i don't know. i regularly pump in 12-15 hours a day, but for what? i have nothing to show for, other than a weary body and shaken soul. things i've done wouldn't trigger a blip in one day of history let alone the entire span of time since 'let there be light' was heard booming through the heavens. mm isn't it that in space no one can hear you scream? so God's voice transcends physical law wan lah? revelation..not..really. i'm being stupid i know.

speaking of creation, BCM (that's the Bible College of Msia) is offering Genesis (that's the 1st book in the Bible) next sem (that's.. soon =). i miss studying.. or rather, i miss learning. i miss listening to ppl telling of wonderful things about God in a scholarly manner.. but i know i'd be slapping myself left right centre for signing up for a class when the slew of assignments and tests sweep over me. oh lesson reinforcers, how i detest thee. to go, or not to go. well, i'd better, if i ever want that second degree in 10 years..

speaking of class, i'd just received my result for the Romans class i took last year (gila lama.. -_-") and whee, i got an A (minus, but an A nevertheless)! hehehehe.. was gloating before my hubby who begrudgingly attributed it to my relatively stronger command of English. *pouts* hahaha.. but really, i honestly do not deserve this A *cough* hahaha.. false humility aside, i rber scoffing the efforts i had put in for this subject, but then again, it was like the easiest subject ever to score (open book final exam yo. anything less than an A would be humiliating, no?) on the same note, i still hold a grudge against the pastor for the only B+ in my otherwise sterling record. *cough blood* hahaha.. man, i'm in a good mood. maybe i like going for classes cos they make me feel better abt myself. not like i was full to the brim before this, sikalang lagi kosong.. i need a whole lot of esteem builder after the severe thrashing i've received. oh the depressing days that are behind me.. *winces*

ya lah, jasp complained that my blog is too depressing to read. she wasn't the only one, only the latest. i know i know. i would think that i have fought really hard against the crushing effect of whatever that had been going on. the wake up call came when i realised that my self esteem made a suicide pact with my emotions and jumped off the cliff to find themselves at the bottom of the sea. i couldn't accept what i was becoming. my piling mistakes added to my misery. mm what i wrote previously is not even half of what has happened. maybe i'm not strong enough, maybe i'm not good enough.. but enough of that. i'm not looking to causing blips in history, but i want to.. i want to.. *shrug* (that's ellis-speak for 'not gonna tell ya for now' =)

oh i stumbled upon a song that i really like a few nights back. it's copeland's coffee, all the way from their 1st album back in 2003. i thank God for little discoveries like this. chongy, i dedicate this song to you, for every one of our kopi /caffè latte (depending on where =) sessions that have kept my sanity intact. hope you're having a good time frolicking under the moonlight, having your feet caressed by the evening waves. wish i was there!!!!!!!! (actually, it's also "wish i was anywhere but here" lol!)

i'm more excited than worried abt what's ahead. it's been too long.. cheers to happier posts ahead!

What does the worker gain from his toil?
I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.
That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.
I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.
God does it so that men will revere him.
[ecclesiates 3:9-14]

2009-07-20T00:16:00.005+08:00

hoping. praying. anticipating. trusting. waiting..

for a happy ending.

watch this space.

2009-07-18T01:45:00.009+08:00

mm this poster takde kena mengena with the movie at all.
so misleading. and so boring. :)

i haven't been in the cinema since wolverine lost his memory, so when a window of opportunity opened up (read: was on MC ;) i decided to brave the aches and drowsiness to catch this film. why this and not transformers, i don't know. remembered reading a review in passing and thought that it came recommended.

anyways, J-stuff (almost) always intrigue me, esp its culture or customs and oh, food! :) i can watch documentaries about the tsukiji fish market 10 times and not get bored.. but i dun fancy their music tho', cos i don't like it when i don't understand or couldn't hear what's sung + random/nonsensical/just-because english phrases that is the trademark of J/K songs annoy more than they amuse me.

anyways, back to the movie. ooh, googled and found out that the movie won an oscar for best foreign film. ^__^ not bad. haha.. as usual, i suck at doing a review, so go read those of others'. :D wad i liked most about the film was the immense sense of respect exuded by the preparation ritual of a deceased person for burial/cremation, that i teared along the many families as they bid farewell to their loved ones. made me think of my parents.. :( sis, don't expect me to be strong or collected when it happens. i won't be.. and don't start lecturing me.

this bit is kinda cryptic, but i kinda understand what the protaganist went through at one point at the beginning of the movie. it was just as i feared. still having mixed emotions about it. is there shame? maybe. but it's balanced by a mild sense of excitement of what's ahead. see me thru this, k? i trust in You. :)

2009-07-16T23:50:00.007+08:00

i am very unhappy, but you know that already. i could find 100 ways to say it, but it still boils down to the same. i don't want to be bothered with that now. too tired.

and tomorrow, sigh, tomorrow.. i've been called in for another session. have been pre-empted of what's coming but i'm already expecting the worst. my mind has gone into overdrive protection mode. my body is 2 verses away from breaking down. my spirit.. is on a beach someplace exotic and sunshiny under a tricolor umbrella with a book in one hand and a pina colada in another. *cries* well, if they served me the donald's infamous line, this body will gladly join the spirit at said location.

i just want to curl up in bed and wake up to saturday.

how long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
how long will my enemy triumph over me?

look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

but I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

[psalm 13:2-6]

goodbye, and hello.

2009-07-12T23:37:00.008+08:00

i'm sorry about the hasty farewell. it was all a blur, your last days.

never expected that it would happen so soon - i honestly thought that only death would have us parted (yours of course, certainly not mine, and certainly not us together.. not that my macabre thoughts haven't layan-ed that before) but it was the other constant of life - tax - that was catalyst to this swift separation.

10 years! we certainly outlasted most friendships i have. what i appreciated most - other than the independence you obsequiously provided - was the quiet (arguable, since you were usually heard from 2 streets away) enclosure where i felt safe to so often scream my lungs and bawl my eyes out when i needed to.. and for being the earless wall to many of my conversations, illegal and otherwise. good times. :)

thank you and au revoir, steely steed.
may the grubby hands of your new owner not remind you of the delicate pair that was mine.

i never saw her again.

and oh, who have we here? hello, gorgeous. ;)

she is desirable in bronze mica metallic.

2009-07-12T23:16:00.004+08:00

you are my love and my light
you are my purpose for living
you are my hope in the night
my reason for singing
you bring the joy to my life
and you're making it better and better
ohh.. and I will give thanks forever and ever

don moen :: my love and my light

haven't heard this song in what, 10 years? lol! stumbled upon in as i was song browsing for sunday service, so we got to sing it in church today.. :) still singing to the song -- it's a fun tune, and kinda a stark reminder of the bigger picture i'm struggling to keep in focus.

btw, one other song we did today turned out rather disastrous, i weakly fumbled my way through. a younger me would've freaked out big time. the present me just took it in stride.. i shd be better prepared next time thou.

on a not-so-random note, pray w me that i'd see the light at the end of this tunnel soon.

i really oughta be working.. or sleeping.. but..

2009-07-09T02:00:00.004+08:00

can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!! ^___^

scary! >_<

2009-07-09T00:15:00.007+08:00

this sudden surge in blogging activity can only mean one thing: i am procrastinating.

ah well, just wanna get this thought off my chest. allow me to monologue.

i get it that you don't care, about his life, his songs, his death, his legacy, whatever. but really, do you have to ask oh so rhetorically, am i the only one who couldn't be bothered? am i the only who thinks that he doesn't deserve this?

no, you are not. but really, don't you think that in your asking those questions so publicly and making those statements, you are mocking those who do care? but you couldn't be bothered, could you? can't you just don't care quietly?

srsly, do have the courtesy to zip it when people are mourning. it's disrespectful. and if you think i'm obnoxious... wadevr.

2009-07-08T23:30:00.003+08:00

Schizophrenia (pronounced /ˌskɪtsɵˈfrɛniə/ or /ˌskɪtsɵˈfriːniə/), from the Greek roots skhizein (σχίζειν, "to split") and phrēn, phren- (φρήν, φρεν-; "mind") is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality. Distortions in perception may affect all five senses, including sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch, but most commonly manifest as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social or occupational dysfunction.

oi, i am not lah!

...

disorganised speech. mm, maybe i am.

“The experience and behavior that gets labeled schizophrenic is a special strategy that a person invents in order to live in an unlivable situation.” - R D Laing, British psychiatrist noted for his alternative approach to the treatment of schizophrenia

ok, i am.

2009-06-30T23:41:00.005+08:00

you know how they say prequels usually suck?
i can vouch to that.

worst. week. ever. part deux.
eternal rest has never been more inviting.

hey i've got a tagline going too.

yesterday, i drew the straw that broke this horse's back.
and i cried all the way home, the cauldron bubbling with mixed emotions.
angry. incredulous. mm fan hei. victimised. bullied. defeated.

mm i'm reminded to be thankful. so, what am i thankful for?
that i have the choice (and hopefully the opportunity) to walk away.
that i'm not walking alone.
that i haven't fallen sick in this crazy and stressful 4 months bar one time (i shd know better to be careful for what i wish for, but i'm so darn tired, i wish i cld get an MC.. just so i could sleep.)

sigh~

my leave application just got rejected on grounds of all my "poorly managed projects" plus the dept's short-handed. the latter i understand. the former's just vindictive.

bye-bye, lazy Singapore weekend. :,(

i'm so tired.

2009-06-28T23:44:00.003+08:00

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me.

[2 Corinthians 12:9]

2009-06-27T03:31:00.003+08:00

if i ever got a tattoo, it'd be that of a pi.

can't rber who i told that to. was it you? haha.. i think so. or was it him? both? nvm, not important.

can't quite explain this strange affinity i have for the symbol.. something about the randomness of the neverending string of numbers.. and i know that if i ever have to calculate the area of a circle or the volume of a cylinder in my life again, i'll have you to turn to..

2009-06-24T22:33:00.003+08:00

it's been so long since we last chatted. and when we did, the last i expected was for the conversation to go sour. maybe it was the late hours. maybe we were both cranky from having to work at such hour. but your response to my lament really got to me. you called me immature, and made assumptions and remarks about my faith that i found tasteless. but because you claimed that you knew me, i paused to think. honestly, you weren't all wrong you know, but i wasn't seeking a judge when i said Hi. and because you were hardly ever privy to my thoughts, i have no idea where you were coming from. was that a genuine response? were we so blatantly open to each other? how do i reason your outburst?

sometimes i don't care what ppl think. esp ppl i cldn't care less abt. this bothers me and i can't shake it off. bleh.

pardon my symbols

2009-06-21T20:24:00.013+08:00

ok, i tried to refrain -- a weak attempt but an attempt nevertheless -- from saying this, but in a desperate need of a cathartic fix, i'm going ahead to say it: my job is driving me to despair!!!!!!!!!!! specifically, ms nomer a.k.a. she-who-can't-be-named.

i couldn't sleep last nite, and the mind wandered to the pressure of being in the slavehouse (from the slave driver, rather), and i broke down in tears. and i really do hate it when i cry over this after repeatedly telling myself it's not worth it. cos it's not!!!!!!!!!!

!@#$^&*()!@#$^&*()

God oh God, how long?!?!?! how longggg more?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
is this reeeeally for my own good? if it was, then you wld just have to bear with my rants. i can't quietly take this. mm 'cept for with her. she's right thou' abt me being a pushover.

: (

i hate to have to complain about her. and as i plonk my @$$ in front of the computer at this wretched hour trying to get some work done which i wouldn't have minded, the thought of facing her tmr is just too much for me to stomach. i hate the realisation that her words have finally got to me - that i doubt myself and what i could do. i hate saying sorry for the millionth time. i hate it everytime when she tears my work apart ("do i have to teach you English?! what kinda writing is that?!"), tells me that i couldn't be trusted (why on earth did you hire me then!??!?!), sends me on wild goose chases, sends me confusing messages of how things are to be done, withholds info and refuses to share them (don't hand over this project 2 me then!), screams "what's wrong with you?!" to which i want to scream back "NOTHING!!! NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME!!@#$^&*()%"

God, help me through this week. tomorrow. the next 2 hours. this moment.
i just can't do this on my own.

2009-06-20T19:46:00.005+08:00

i woke up this morning to a sad sky which then proceeded to pour a good hour or so. i moved to the windows and stared out, grinning silly. hubby's left so i jumped right back to bed and huddled under my cover with puddles my baby duck, and grinned some more.

that was for all the times when i had to be out and about on wet mornings wishing i was in bed.

and 'twas the perfect ending to the worst. week. ever.
(which began with the worst. day. ever.)
(which is making headline entry into the annals of pointy-headed bosses)
(ms nomer is queen mother)

...

thank you, Lord. ^___^

2009-06-16T23:36:00.006+08:00

i've never been pushed like this. i would not be proud if a cuss word fly off my mouth - i'm already conflicted to have them bouncing off my heads like crazy. sigh~

technically, she doesn't.

i wish i had the guts to tell her all i've been screaming to the wind. is she out to get me? or are we just two very different people who wld never get along, that we would always be each other's "alien"? does she know i'm trying my best? does she even care? everything she accuses me of (and others, for that matter) -- she is just that. doesn't she see it? is she undermining me on purpose so that she cld have her ctrl+alt+del? is my being there attesting to her inability to make a good call? i shdn't think like that right. her calls haven't always be good thou. it's just that she is oblivious to that fact. does she know how she is portraying herself, that people call her names, shudder at the thought of her, wish ill on her, or does she just not care? then again, she doesn't seem to care much for others. i wish i could stand up for myself, but i just lack guts la. so here i am pouring my complaints on all and sundry. i hope she dun bandy her christian tag around. thou art a bad testimony, sister! maybe we are each other's test/pest.

anyways, this *might* just be my last work-related rant. it's starting to get old, and i don't know if i've ever said anything that cld implicate me. dun wanna take the chance. someday, i'll write a happy work post again. *hopeful*

and to quote my young coll who said on twitter: She [doesn't] realize that in spite all the horrible things she's done, I still pray for her well being. -_-

i so need your strength & wisdom.. and everything else oso la, tapao sekali.
just what is expected of me here? to submit? to show grace? *cough*

2009-06-16T00:27:00.003+08:00

can't even begin to describe the kinda day i had today. if i had another day like it.. sigh~
gonna go to bed counting my blessings. otherwise, i don't think i wanna wake up tmr.

; (

2009-06-13T20:22:00.007+08:00

wallowing at (or is it 'in'? i've changed the preposition 'ntah berapa kali dah. isk.) my inadequacy again. it's kinda bad this week. how did i get suck into this again? i remembering promising myself that i would never..... so many things.

is it really important that you like what you do? for 2 hours today i did something i really love (no, it wasn't sleeping..) it got me excited, made me smiled, made me laughed, made me felt alive, just because i got to do it. so work's work? bah. but i do like what i do. and i have so much to learn. and i need the push and the discipline. but i really do resent the way it's done. but aren't all these experience always unpleasant? so many buts.

i'm thankful that i have a job. even one that drives me to despair. hahaha..

sharing this rather apocalyptic song.. seems to suit the mood. :D

a red priest broke into our classroom
caught us children by attention
"listen closely to the words I speak
Lord knows if we'll ever, ever again meet"

spoke such words never spoken before
on the way he declared the war
miracles like you never seen
from a man who was raised up in the sea

a man is coming in thirteen-one
to charm the daughters and the sons
scared for our lives, I turned to your hand
hold this tight while we run, if we still can

what disasters may come
whatever it may be
at the end of the age
it will land you and me
what tragedy may bring
whatever may fall
at the end of the world
you'll still belong

before the red priest took his last breath
he told me, "child, now don't forget
the sun will turn dark very soon
your days are numbered when there's blood on the moon"

"the earth will shake and the sky will fall
the eyes will open of those enthralled
don't take this sign, but you'll be killed
by the man from seven hills"

look children to the eastern sky
when you hear the voice, say your last goodbyes
when the ghosts take hold of the men who died
when your fathers weep and your mothers cry

anberlin :: miserabile visu (ex malo bonum)

2009-06-12T23:49:00.005+08:00

i'm dead tired but i would like to amaze you my dear readers with my ability to rant cos you deserve this spectacular show of .. i'm talking nonsense.

it's been a long week of very short days. i mean, it's already friday. again!

i ask myself daily why do i subject myself to what i do now when all who are concerned have suggested that i call it a day. do i have something to prove? why else would i devote more than 60 hours a week slogging away? for what? i don't have high aspirations. i don't dream big. i couldn't be bothered with a lot of things if i have it my way. do i secretly enjoy this? what have i got to prove, and why? am i watching as i allow other things to slip away? and the hours. the expectations. the pettiness. the words. the manipulation. i really would like to believe that you are not the person that i paint you out to be. this is madness.

i've shed tears for some things and some people, but when i contemplated or did it as i succumbed to the unbearable pressure, i felt stupid.. of all things, i let this get me? sigh~

but hor..

amidst the whirlwind of deadlines and the long hours that don't justify my pay and the sheer frustration of having to deal with that misnomer that is ***** my boss, something amusing happened on Wed nite and it made me LOL. and i think God might have engineered it with a wink in his eyes. :D

that night when i got home from work ard 11ish, my body was at the verge of collapse and brain mush. but i had one last piece of work to do and was anticipating having to stay up for a good few hours. this piece had caused me some heart ache and headache no thanks to Ms Nomer up there, which added to my dread of switching on the PC. i did, but decided to go lie down on my bed and whine to tuck my hubby in. hehe.. i set my alarm in case i fall asleep and was rolling on the bed when...

all the lights went off! a blackout!

my immediate reaction was, "NoOOoOoOOoOOOooOO!! HooOOoOoOoOWWW??! Whhhhhhhhy?!?!" like, srsly. hahaha.. my hubby just replied, "Good, dun need to work, go to sleep"

i repeated "NoOOoOoOOoOOOooOO!! HooOOoOoOoOWWW??! Whhhhhhhhy?!?!" before frantically SMSing my supervisor..

then, realising that i couldn't do anything but sleep, i broke out laughing. hehehe.. cos i had really needed that rest, and i wouldn't have gone to bed otherwise.

sorry, people of [my housing area] but yeah, i choose to believe that the blackout, warm as it was, was for me. :D

2009-06-11T19:30:00.002+08:00

in my life
be lifted high
in our world
be lifted high
in our love
be lifted high

hillsong united :: be lifted high

*heaves a lonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggg sigh~*

2009-06-07T21:33:00.003+08:00

Maybe you have a bumper sticker or a bracelet that says, “WWJD”, but my bracelet says “WWJLMGAWJTOIISIWRSA” (What would Jesus let me get away with just this once if I said I was really sorry afterward?) Yes, I have really big wrists.

- some guy named Matt

2009-06-06T00:00:00.005+08:00

apakah yang diperlukan oleh tumbuhan untuk tumbesaran?
ingat 4 huruf ini saja: CAKK. macam cicak.

cahaya. air. klorofil. karbon dioksida.

the 10-year-old me got that right in the test.
i'm mildly amused that i remembered.

light. water. chlorophyll. carbon dioxide.

i squinted behind my wheels even with my shades on. it was that bright. i could feel the heat pinching my face. i hope i had my sunblock on. but the morning sun's supposed to be good for your skin kan? i smiled and sang softly. :D

light of the world
you stepped down into darkness
opened my eyes, let me see
beauty that made this heart adore you
hope of a life spent with you

here i am to worship :: tim hughes

i can't believe they couldn't start 'here i am to worship' right.
i so wanted to correct them. haha!
you know how a keyboardist play a chord to signal to the worship leader...
[@one bowl noodle, or something like that]

the LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
the LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
[psalm 27:1]

the randomness of it all. doesn't seem so random sometimes. :D

2009-06-02T22:13:00.004+08:00

hubby just came back two weeks ago from philippines (a city called baguio in particular) with the missions team, and they played the pics and vids last sunday at church. i wish i had gone. i almost did, if it wasn't that i couldn't get away. don't think i could have contributed much, but i would do much as i could.

2010 - cambodia. mmhmm.. :)

hey there delilah

2009-05-31T18:31:00.002+08:00

quietness. questions. distraction. answer. discomfort. encouraged. discouraged. random thoughts. awkward moment. pig out. procrastinate. toss, rinse and repeat. how was your sunday?

if loving the kazoo is wrong...

2009-05-29T00:28:00.001+08:00

2009-05-27T23:05:00.007+08:00

i'm pretty mad right now.. have been so the entire day. my gtalk status for today was the ellipsis [...] cos i was kinda at a loss for words and lack the space to verbalize the seething anger i was containing. didn't how to channel the anger, other than tirelessly ranting about it to all willing ears (sorry to those caught unawares)..

you made me a little bit self conscious. and naturally defensive. i don't know how much of what you said actually got through.. i mean, i saw your points thru the "blinding" rage (thought i was gonna pop an artery there.. although i was giggling away, i kept clenching and pumping my fist and all.. and gargh!).. but application wise.. mungkin lama lagi. sigh~ thanks.. for this time and all prev times and all times to come. appreciate it. :)

on a lighter note, mae is coming to this side of the world!!! they are like one of my fav bands ever and i can't wa-- BANDUNG??? why?? you mean, you have more fans in good ol' indon than spore or msia? noOoOOOo.. how much is the flight tix to bandung? :( whyyy..? you know i love you! boo hoo.. another unfulfilled wish. *pouts*

i think there was another lighter note item that i wanna say, but i don't rber it now.

i've been dreaming such a long time
and I've been waiting for the sunshine
but all my friends they say
I'm getting by with sleeping in

you know whenever I try I want to get it right
but I distract my focus and blur my own sight
cause I've convinced myself that my best
can only come in the moonlight
and I keep sleeping in
and missing something

there are things about me I just can't ignore
I know I want to change and I see that door
on the other side daylight decides there will be war with sleeping in
oh, I know there'll be no more sleeping in

mae :: night/day

2009-05-23T22:05:00.004+08:00

i'm a worship coordinator at my church. been doing this for the past 4 years (maybe more, maybe less, i don't remember). when the worship pastor left our church, i stepped in to fill the void. i was young and passionate then, and had all the time in the world, and i knew it was what i was to do.

despite knowing that, about two sundays ago, i thought about giving up my position. not quitting the team, just the leadership. i don't think i am in the right shape nor frame of mind to hang on to the leadership position. i've never been much of a good leader anyway, but i thought that my zeal would cover up some of the flaws. hahaha.. it doesn't.

i gave my best - although my best may not be up to yours - and still i don't think it's good enough. i'm not good enough. no worries, this is not a self-bashing post - i'm just stating my thought matter-of-factly. and the one thing i gave most - my time - is the one thing i could hardly afford these days (although it's not just me). the team needs better. and i'm just not a leader lah - i can't even meet my own expectations.. and time aside, there are other stuff la.. i don't expect to be perfect, but i reckon i've got much to learn.. *nods sagely* lol!

i'm still thinking and praying about this. while i'm not indispensable, i'm not irresponsible either :P briefly spoke to my hubby and then my senior pastor about it - both offered differing but valid POVs. need to talk to them again soon.

...

________________________
Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.

Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.

A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well. Those who have served well gain an excellent standing and great assurance in their faith in Christ Jesus.

1 Tim 3:1-12

2009-05-22T22:02:00.006+08:00

i am yearning for boston. but don't we all?
i saw from the corner of my eyes a familiar silhouette peering in.
will try to ignore it but i know i wouldn't be able to.
there are some new [?] aknocking, but i would prefer them staying out.
there are too many i's that repulse me, yet i'm irresistably drawn to them.
drawn also was an interesting little parallel that i would like to share, but.. not yet.
another friday! wasn't it only yesterday we were bemoaning monday?
i am too selfish for my own good.

in the light of the sun
is there anyone?
oh it has begun

oh dear, you look so lost
eyes are red and tears are shed
this world you must've crossed

you said
you don't know me
you don't even care
oh yeah
she said
you don't know me
and you don't wear my chains
oh yeah

essential yet appealed
carry all your thoughts across
an open field
when flowers gaze at you
they're not the only ones who cry
when they see you

she said I think I'll go to Boston
i think I'll start a new life
i think I'll start it over
where no one knows my name
i'll get out of California
i'm tired of the weather

i think i'll get a lover
and fly her out to Spain
i think i'll go to Boston
i think that i'm just tired
i think i need a new town
to leave this all behind

i think i need a sunrise
i'm tired of the sunset,
i hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice

oh yeah

boston
where no one knows my name

augustana :: boston

[embedding's disabled -
click here to check it out :)]

2009-05-21T21:42:00.003+08:00

'tis time for my annual take on american idol. i don't think i caught a single episode this year, due to lack of time and patience (it's kinda boring. i thin they shd change the format next year).. but the few times i caught it by chance, adam lambert caught my eyes cos... he's so cute! he's got the package lar.. hahaha.. haven't heard him sing though. and kris allen, it was whozzat!? til i read abt the final two in the papers. unlike last year - david cook is still cute ;), but man, his songs are kinda bleh. i hope he gets a better record deal after this. :P - i don't have a fav this year, though i saw polarizing comments all over the net when i did a little search. anyways u'd known by now that...

the underdog won!! w00t! :D

hehe.. i just love it when that happen, doncha? i've got nothing more to say. the end.

2009-05-20T00:12:00.003+08:00

*rant-grumble-whimper-sigh~*

God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything

God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
there in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

tim hughes :: everything